Prior to writing the Cha Cha Cha reviews, I wrote this one piece. I was having an online conversation with friends and the subject "If you were cast on MTV’s "The Real World," which celebrities/characters would you choose to be your fellow roomates?” came up. We all blurted out answers and as I thought about it more, I wrote this.... Enjoy...and it's sort of racy. Oh Behave!
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On the First Episode of Real World 23, Bismarck.
[close-up shot of me in a room]
Hi, I’m known as MDB, Mariner Duck Boy, and I’m from Washington. I never thought I’d be on Real World. I mean, I’ve seen the past 22 seasons but never thought I’d apply to be on the show. How did I find out about real World Bismark? My friends on the net thought I should apply. So I did, and here I am. Wow, the first Asian male on the show ! It only took them 21 years to realize that yes, there are Asian males in the Real World. And no, I don’t know Kung Fu, and I don’t wax on, wax off…only if you ask.
[cut to opening shot]
“This is the true story…..blah blah blah”
[cut to a scene in the Bismark airport]
I’m walking thru the Bismarck Airport when I see this hot looking woman dressed in a
tight little baby blue number. I walk up to her & say, "Excuse me, but you must be my new roommate, Hi, I'm the Mariner Duck Boy". She introduces herself as Samantha and she's from New York. She says she's nervous about being in North Dakota because she's not used to being away from the City & her friends, Carrie, Charlotte & Miranda. But, she says, she also heard that Bismark gets really cold in the winter & since there is nothing else to do, the men really know how to fu**. Alrighty then, I thought, she must fill “the slut” role. Well, I offer to help carry her bags, but after seeing the 10 Louis Vuitton suitcases I decide to get a cart. We hail a cab, she wants a Limo, but I say “C’mon, Samantha, we’re in Bismarck!” Naturally, Samantha flirts with the Cabbie the entire way to our new home. After what seems like an eternity, we finally pull up to what looks like a barn. IT IS A BARN! “Holy Duck Doo-Doo” I scream. Samantha immediately asks the cabbie if he knows if there is a flight back to JFK ASAP. Of course, we decide to stay since we are here, and since we are on EMP-TV (that’s MTV for all you people who need to catch a clue.) We slide the barn door open (painted a nice Fire Island Red) and walk inside. It turns out we are the last to arrive.
The place, I must admit, is fab-u-lous. Very Chic, very cozy, Very EMP-TV. The EMP-TV crew did a great job of turning a run down barn into a stylish modern run down barn. “Nice!” I say to myself, now screw the interior, and let’s meet my fellow roomies, especially the men! (I keep chanting “please let them be hot, please let them be hot, please let them be hot…”)
As we walk towards our fellow roommates, Samantha whispers to me “Give me two days & I’ll have f***** all the men and maybe even one of the women!” I glance at her and say “That long?” She looks back at me, smiles, and gives me the finger. Yep, this is going to be an interesting season.
The first person who comes up to me is Ellen. I know she’s “family” from the minute I see her. Hey, nothing gets past this Gaydar! Anyway, she’s really cool, talks WAY too much (much about nothing) but she is really funny. I like that. She tells me about her life, and how she hates women who don’t know what they want and think they are from another planet. I tell her “Don’t we all”. She proceeds to tell me that she has a new show on TV. A talk show. Not like Rosie’s talk show. And not like Caroline Ray’s talk show. And not like Oprah’s show. But of course if it was like Oprah, her show would be called “Oprah”. And she’s Ellen. So her show is called Ellen. And it’s a talk show. As this Ellen person is rambling, I keep thinking, Wow, this chick sounds like Dory The Blue Fish in “Finding Nemo.” Ellen turns out to be really cool and I think I will get along swimmingly with her.
Next I meet Jeff, I believe he says his last name is Corwin. Woof! What a stud! Jeff tells me he is the host of a Television show called “The Jeff Corwin Experience” and “Jeff Corwin Unleashed” on the Animal Planet Channel. I bite my tongue really hard as I am really tempted to say, “It would be my utmost pleasure to experience the Jeff Corwin Experience” or “Yeah, baby, I’ll show you something you can Unleash” Man, what a beautiful smile, and what a HOT little body! I figure Jeff must be from a Northern state because who in their right mind would wear shorts in Bismark, North Dakota in the dead of Winter? Well, I’m just glad he did because judging from that tight little blue t-shirt that he was wearing (and the rock hard nipples), Jeff was really, really cold! Hypnotized by the sight of his man-breasts, I tell him that I have never seen his show…no cable. He seems very nice, polite, and friendly, but unfortunately, he’s married…although he keeps pinging my gaydar. Hmmmm…I might have to explore this pinging sensation a little further.
Next, I meet another hot looking guy named Elliot Stabler. He’s a Detective – Special Victims Unit from New York City. This guy is absolutely m-f gorgeous. My palms are sweating! He just gives me a sly, but sexy smile. I tell him that Samantha over there is from New York…and ask (in a loud voice) if he’s ever hooked-up with her since she seems to “know” the entire city of New York. I glance over at Sam & flash her a smile. She just smiles and “tells” me that I’m #1. I tell Elliot that he looks very familiar and I ask him if we ever met before (honest, I’m not making this up). He chuckles and says, “Let me guess, I look like that Chris Meloni guy on the HBO show OZ, right?” I say, “Yes! OMG the resemblance is uncanny!” Elliot says he gets it all the time. I tell him that he is more handsome and WAY hotter than Chris Meloni. Oops, did I just out myself on National TV? SHUT-UP.
I turn & bump into my final male roomie. Again, I’m speechless. This guy’s a God! No tall, but breathtakingly bea-u-ti-ful. He smiles at me. Gawd, his teeth are pearly white & with that awesome smile, I think I just hear “Hi my name is…” . He introduces himself as Malcolm Winters, but he hates the name Malcolm because of that freaky Elf boy on “Malcolm In The Middle”. He said to call him Shemar. After talking to Malcolm, I mean, Shemar for a while, I know he is going to be the ladies man of the house. This guy is Young & Restless! Malcolm Shemar tells me he is worried about the nightlife & hooking up in Bismarck. I tell him, “Well, there’s always Samantha!” as I turn and point to her. Samantha give me a crocked smile and lifts her hand. Again, the finger? What up with that?
Finally, I go up to Samantha & ask her if she’s met the other six roomies. Sam says no, she has only met five. I say “Me too, but we were the last to arrive. Where’s our final roommate?” Suddenly, I felt someone tugging at my shirt. I turn around and there is nobody there. WTF? I look down & I see this cute little Asian-ish lady looking up at me. “Hellooo” she says. I introduce myself & Samantha introduces herself. The Asian-ish lady says her name is Swan, Bunny Swan, but everyone calls her Miss Swan. She owns a business called the Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon. I tell her it’s a pleasure to meet her and she says, “Yeah, yeah ok.” I ask her if she likes being here, about being on TV, and if she’s excited to live with six total strangers. She says, “Yeah, ok, I tell you everyteeng.” Hmmmm, I think, that’s an odd response, but whatever. I ask her if she’s seeing anyone and she says “Yeah, Yeah, you go”. Again, a curious response, but being nosey, I ask her what he looks like. And do you know what she says? Bitch says, “He look like a man”. I ask her if this man has a name & she says, “Of course he has a name. It’s a man name like Bob” I say “Oh, so his name is Bob” and she says “No, you funny little monkey in the bush, you not listening! I said his name is like Bob, or Danny, you know, a man’s name”. What-ever Biotch! Click, dial tone, Goodbye! I politely excuse myself from Swannie to go and talk to the hot guys. Man, this one’s going to be an interesting roommate!
Finally, it’s time to decide on our rooms. We end up giving Miss Swan a room to herself…why? Just Because. Samantha “graciously” gives up her bed & volunteers to share a room and bed with Malcolm Shemar, Elliot and Jeff (Biotch, that was my idea!)
I end up rooming with Ellen. As usual, stick the Gays together. Judging from this first day, this should be a very interesting 23rd season of Real World –Bismarck! Wax on, wax off. Sayonara.
