Hi Kids,
Oh goody, we have arrived. It’s the idol Big Stage! This is the Big Dance for these 12 finalists. Will there be a George Mason this year? What 12 seed will topple a 5 seed? Can Cinderfella Sanjaya continue his conquest to the AI crown or will he bitchslap Haley for the coveted tiara?
Speaking of bitchslap, the queen of the bitchslap is the guest pro-fess-i-o-nal tonight. Yes, kiddies, La Ross is in the house. Well, she’s not actually in the AI house this evening, but she is on the show as the guest judge. The 12 idolettes wait patiently in the studio for the arrival of La Ross. The door opens and in walks the Diva! All fresh from bitching out her driver, maid, yard boy, the doorman, the AI interns, the cameraman, the make-up artist and Ryan. And does she look fabulous or what! The Hair! The bod! The latest technology in facial enhancement! Thank You Dr. 90210! And thank you MAC! The idolettes lose their freakin’ minds except for Best Buy. Because, you know, he’s too cool for school and he is, after all, a Senior Best Buy Associate. God Rocks, Dude.
Miss Ross says “I have one thing to say” and I anticipate the words “You Better Work, Bitch!” or “Go get me a diet soda” to flow out of her mouth. And you know, if I closed my eyes, I would have never thought it was Miss Ross. Her voice seems to have dropped an octave in her old age. It will be interesting to see if her voice is lower when she sings on results night. I bet it’s 50/50 odds that she lip syncs.
Brandon is up first. “You Can’t Hurry Love”. He loved her as a kid. Miss Ross said she recorded this in her early days with The Supremes with that bitch & the ugly one. Miss Ross tells Brandon to got o his center and his heart place. I would have pissed right then and there if Brandon pulled a Jim Verraros and signed I {heart} you Miss Ross, I {heart} you. So Bland Brandon sings and does a little dance thingy. And then proceeds to forget the words to the freakin’ song. Nice. So then he smiles and recovers in enough time to complete the song. I thought this was Diana Ross night not Phil Collins night. Brandon is a triple threat. Boring, Bland and Blasé.
Melinda. “Home” from “The Wiz”. Miss Doolittle is looking very professional in her gray satin dress cinched at the waist and kick ass pumps. Ryan & Simon do their obligatory gay banter. So over it. Doolittle acts all shy & coy around Miss Ross. Miss Ross says she likes Doolittle. “She not pretty so I like her” is what the Divine ones says. No, not really. But I wish. Boring song, but the girl can sang. Not much more to say about that.
Cha Cha Cha.
Best Buy Sligh. He’s going to rearrange “Endless Love”. I thought Miss Ross was going to bitchslap the fat f*ck. But no, she allows him to “sing” his special (ed) arrangement of the song. Too bad Lion El didn’t make a cameo appearance. Sligh gives the song a “Clocks” reworking. So, he rips off Coldplay’s “Clocks”, applies it to “Endless Love” and calls it his own? Bitch, please. Coldplay should clean Sligh’s clocks out. Although, I doubt it because have you seen Coldplay? Chris could take ‘um with one hand tied around his back, and holding a sonic burger in the other. Best Buy isn’t wearing his glasses tonight which makes him look scarier than normal. The rectangular glasses actually gave him some shape to his face as opposed to now he looks like a squishy round mound of goo. You know, the guy can sing, but I hate this version. It’s too fake hip. It’s like Coldplay meets Reno. Not Vegas. Reno. Paula, of all people nails it. Best Buy is trying too hard to be an Apple Mac. In reality, he is just Windows PC.
Chris tries to make a funny, but fails.
Gina. “Love Child”. Miss Ross tells Gina to pro.nun.ci.ate. What. The. Fuc*k? pronunciate? Gina looks at Miss Ross with a blank stare and says “Thee thells thee thells by the theethore”. Miss Ross, without even flinching, slaps Gina and shouts “Love Child this Biotch!” Oh, how I wish. So Gina takes the stage, looking even more like Ryan Starr 2.0 from season 1 which is not a good thing. Gina obviously ignores Miss Ross’ advice because I can’t understand a damn word she is singing. Maybe it’s because she has that stud in her tongue! Gina is average. In some parts she’s good and other parts she’s awful.
Sanjaya. OK. Who let this guy off the Goodship Lollipop? Diana loves Sanjaya. She asks if he can dance. Oh gawd. Please. NO HULA. I’m praying that he sings the Michael Jackson penned “Muscles” because I would just die if he does. Please, please please! But Suckjaya picks “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. Damn you. I want Muscles! But how fitting. You got that right, sista. Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me away from your sorry ass singing! UGH. He is possibly the worst idol contestant evah. So that means he must stick around for at least a couple of weeks to piss people off.
Oh my. Sucky does a Michael Jackson yell like thing at the end of the song. I swear, if he rips open his shirt like MJ did in the “Dirty Diana” video, I’m blowing chunks. The Judges fry him like the stylist fried his hair. Randy said if this was Hair Idol, he would win hands down. Ryan asked if he deserves to be here next week and Sanjaya says yes. So be it. Make it so.
Haley. Still looks like Rachel Ray’s younger sister. Ok. Haley. Don’t speak. Shhh. Don’t open the mouth sweetie, because the voice annoys. She sings “Missing You”. She’s singing the song to her finance. Her goal this week is to enjoy the song. Huh? I never thought about a song about “Missing You” is a party song & a song to to be enjoyed. But then, maybe she is enjoying being away from her fiancé. She is just a horrible wretched singer. Ok now she is doing this bouncy bounce up & down & waving hands thing that makes her look retarded. Ooops. Not pc. I mean, mentally challenged. Ok she’s done. Thank Goodness. Simon must be doing reverse psychofuc*k on America because instead of ripping her another one, he is nice to her. Shrewd Simon, Shrewd. Now America, dump her.
Phil “Powder” Stacey. So effin fugly. Miss Ross tells Powder to look at the audience when he sings. Hell no! I don’t want a sorry ass powder looking at me when he sings. You gonna scare the chillrun, Powder. Children will wake up screaming “Mommy! Mommy! Powder is coming to git me!!!” And I wonder if you take a pencil sharpener to his head, would it make that point even pointier? He sings something …I honestly can’t remember. It’s pretty good compared to the other guys. But he does shout when he hits the glory notes. This performance was much better than last week’s performance but that’s not saying much, eh?
LaKisha. Her mama calls her Kiki. Ok, class, let’s get this straight. Kiki = LaKisha. Koko = Trained Gorilla. Keiko = Trained Whale. Try not to get these mixed up ‘mmmkay? Kiki is going to sing “God Bless The Child”. Like Melinda, not much to say here because it is awesome. I think I like her better this week than previous weeks because she is in more control of her voice and showing more versatility with her instrument. Uh. Yeah, not touching that one. She’s good and back up there neck & no neck with Melinda.
Blake. In A Suit. “You Keep Me Hanging’ On”. He’s updated the arrangement. Diana is excited to see how he brings the past to the present. Blake’s interpretation is interesting. He is showing off his dancing skills. At least he’s bringing something different to the idol stage. Ick. The falsetto was horrible right there. Overall, it wasn’t his best performance. But it is crystal clear that as of now, Pete & Repeat, no, make that Neck & No neck are by far, #1 & #2.
Stephanie. “Love Hangover”. Well, at least she always looks good. Now, I must admit by this I am totally disinterested in the show. It is a curious song to pick because it’s sort of like picking Donna Summer’s “Love To Love You Baby”. I really don’t hear her sing. All I know is that she never goes into the disco part. Stephanie is pretty, but sometimes she sounds shrill and over sings songs. Judging by the judges comments, it was the wrong song choice.
Chris R. “The Boss”. Who’s the boss, who’s the boss…Diana Ross! And after that craptacular suckfest of singing, it certainly is not Chris R. What the hell is wrong with Paula? That sucked. Although, I do agree with La Dopey that Chris R. can probably sing “Instant Replay” or maybe even that discotaculicious David Naughton ditty “Makin’ It”. Bonus points if Chris R. mashes David Naughton’s nakedness in “An American Werewolf in London” while singing the song. Otherwise, this guy’s voice is horrible. It’s so nasally and he can’t really hold a note. He thinks he can. I mean, do we really need another K-Fed? I think not. Poof. Be gone already.
Jordin. Sings “If We Hold On Together” aka. The sappy Theme From “The Land of the Lost”. Is she singing it to Chukka? The Sleestacks? What? It’s not? Oh excuse me, it’s “The Land Before Time”. No matter, both shows had dinosaurs in them. Overall, this was good, I guess. She’s got an engaging personality, but I just don’t find her as the happy shiny star sitting atop the American Idol Tree. She is more like one of the disposable presents that sit under the tree. Ha ha! And if you think about the show, Lakisha was wearing the tree skirt tonight! Kiki! Kiki! Put back the skirt!!! KIKI!!!
Anyhoo, overall, it was a crappy show considering Miss Ross was the guest coach. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all if, after viewing the show, La Ross called her people and “informed” them to tell the AI producers that she is cancelling her appearance in the results show because of “personal reasons” and maybe they can call Mary Wilson or Florence Ballard because she is sure they are free. Diva!
Cha Cha Cha : Melinda, LaKisha
Cha Cha – Jordin
1.5 Cha Cha’s – Powder, Beat Box, Gina, Best Buy
1 Cha Cha –Haley, Chris R. Stephanie, Brandon
Thank you for playing Cha Cha: Sanjaya
That’s it for this week. Tonight we find out who goes home…and I’m pretty sure it won’t be Sanjaya so that means a possible “shocking” boot! Be good, play fair, and stretch your muscle(s). I am OUT of here.
