Hi Kids,
Week 2 and we have 10 AI duds dudes remaining. Will they suck again? Were they motivated by the Sistas’ performances last week? Will they rise to the occasion? Will Apollo & Helo rub themselves down in oil & frack? Oooh, Apollo & Helo shirtless, Yum. That’s Hawt. Oh wait, we’re talking American Idol not Battlestar Galactica idol. Sorry, I was just watching a Galactica rerun and had impure thoughts running in my head. Back to Idol.
Yes, it’s week 2. Methinks another craptacular week is in store for us because frankly, I don’t see many of the guys improving. Yeah, right, like you think Sanjaya Malakar will be YOUR new American Idol. Ha ha, motherfu*ker, Ha. Ha. Shut up and go get me a slurpee. And say “hi” to your sister for me.
The theme for tonight is “People who inspire me”. It’s a dedication show. Now this may have potential because I would love to see AJ dedicate his performance to Miss Joan Crawford and then break out Pat Benatar’s “Hell is for Children”. That would totally rock.
I think that would make me shat.
So first up, is, I still hate his name, Phil Stacey. Still creepy looking. I believe he said he’s dedicating his song to his military comrades. He’s singing “Missing You”. Saving Private Stacey sings pretty well. We don’t have to shoot him this week. He’s got one of the better voices among the men…but that’s not really saying much is it? I don’t find him particularly special and I don’t feel he has the “it” factor. (sh)it factor, maybe. It factor? No. Regardless, it’s a good way to start off the show.
Oh look. Jeff Foxworthy is in da house! Shameless plug for that “So you think you are smarter than a bratty 5th grader” show. The previews look pretty funny, but how long will that last? Call me when they invite Michael Jackson on the show. Now that would be entertaining. “Hello Children, How are you? I may not be smarter than you but I just want you all to know that you are all special. SO Special. Shum On. Would you all like to go to Disneyland with me after the show? I have candy. Come along, Children! Come along (not you, girls) & follow me! You can even play with my children….the girl, the boy & that other one! Eee heee!” Break.
Jared Cotter. Just Jared. He’s wearing a dark suit with white kicks. Going for that “I’m young & hip” look. He’s very easy on the eye, no? Although he has very bushy eyebrows. He’s dedicating his song to mom & dad. “Let’s Get It On”. Vocally, he’s just average. Just Jared is trying to work the stage but it’s coming off extremely horny corny. He does this thing with his hands and wipes his face. Wait. Check that last statement. That didn’t come out right. He’ll get by on his looks. Well, if Antonella can do it why not Mr. Cot-ter? And speaking of the tramp, wouldn’t it have been a kick in the privates if, while Jared was singing the line “Let’s get it on…” the AI editors flashed Marie An-tone-deaf-a’s “photos” on the jumbotron? That would have been freakin’ awesome. Back to Just Jared. Hotty McHotness gets a cha cha cha for his looks, but only a cha cha for the voice.
AJ Tabaldo. Tabasco? Too Baddaddyo? You sucko? Whatever. AJ (I thought we got over this xxJ thing in season one?). “Feelin’ Good”. I am not feelin’ good about A-bcdefghiJ winning idol. He’s no AJ, EJay, RJ and that’s not saying much. I don’t think the kid has it. Maybe he could join O-Town if they are still around? Speaking of O-town, doesn’t it just give you inner glee that Jabba the Pearlman’s house got raided because he was scamming clients & funneling the money into his own account (or something like that)? Maybe Big Daddy will form a new boy band in jail! I keep thinking of that producer guy in “Boogie Nights” when he was being slapped around and crying in jail by that ginormous inmate. Who? Oh, AJ. Yeah, he has an ok voice. Cute. I find him pleasant, but nothing special.
Sanjaya. His hair is pulled back and he’s wearing a hat ala Michael Jackson. Uh, did your sister “advise” you to wear this outfit as well? Immediately, you can practically hear the audience say “Ooooh. Yeah. You know vut? Uh-uh!” Rebbie (well, if he’s going to dress like, MJ, I’m just giving him one of the Jackson sibling’s names...but not Janet or LaToilet) is dedicating the performance to his Grandpa. He’s going to sing “Steppin’ Out (With my baby)”. Blanket? He’s stepping out with Blanket? What the hell? Egads. Oooh. Yuckity Yuck Yuck. This is awful. What the fu*k is this? Is Rebbie actually singing? Well, I guess one could logically argue that the real Rebbie’s modest hit single “Centipede” really wasn’t singing either. Speaking of non-singing performances: Abdul? Paging Abdul, Paula! Rebbie is literally light in the loafers and floating around stage because his voice sounds so fluffy & airy and almost whisper-like. It’s so….how would you describe it…breathy? Like when Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday Mr. Pres.i.dent” or Ginger Grant sang “I Want to Be Loved by You” in one of those damn variety shows that she performed on the “GI”. This is bad. And not in a Michael Jackson “Shum-on” Bad. Rebbie should be the next to go.
Best Buy Sligh. Oh look, Best Buy is wearing a suit. Maybe he has an interview with the show? Circuit City perhaps? Frye’s? or maybe (gasp) The Apple Store? One can only dream. So we find out that Best Buy is married. And not only married, but married to a hot chick. WTF? Just goes to show that love is blind. And I have to admit this is snarky, but as they were showing the Best Buy’s clip of him & his wife, I kept looking for her Seeing Eye dog or her walking cane because I just couldn’t get over the two of them together. Did they meet in Jeebus Camp and immediately knew they were BFF’s? Anyhoo, Bet Buy sings “Saved by a Woman(?)” by someone I don’t know. The dude’s got a really good voice. Not easy on the eye and I kept waiting to be grossed out by camel toe, but the dude can sing. And he was even better this week because he toned down the attitude and was actually really polite and humble. Maybe he will get that Apple gig if this Idol thing doesn't work out.
Nick Pedro. Dedicating “Fever” to his girlfriend. “First of all, I’d like to thank all of you for attending my best friend Rob & his new bride Ashleighy’s wedding. This was my present to the happy couple because they are truly like family to me. May they have a long & happy marriage. Now, anybody want to join me at Stubby’s for some Bee-yah’s?” Total wedding singer moment for me. The way he dressed, the way he sang. Ugh. Pedro must be Spanish for “zzzzzzzzzz”. Oh look, Nicky & Ryan match. They coordinated their outfits tonight. I don’t think Nicky had the worst performance, but he’s not the idol.
Blake. Dedicating his song to his parents. “Virtual Insanity” Jamiroquai. Blake mixing it up a little this week. Throwing in some beat box, scatting, and falsetto. This is pretty good. His vocals are not the best, but he is the most entertaining and “original” of all the contestants. Well done. Simon didn’t’ really like it, but the other two bozo’s did. Beat Box is one of the stronger male contestants this year…but not vocally up to the caliber of the “Sistas of Perpetual Indulgence”.
Background Singer Brandon. BSB is dedicating the song to his Grandma. “Time After Time”. He’s wearing a t-shirt & jeans. Dude, you could have at least thrown on a coat. Why not just borrow that bullseye shirt from the “Free (Fall) Ride” guy from last week. I hate this arrangement. Brandon says he put his heart out there & into that song for his grandma. Well dude, you must not love your grandma much because there wasn’t much heart in that performance. I DON’T {heart} you.
Chris Richardson. Another dedication to a grandma. What, nobody loves their mommas anymore? “Geek in the Pink” WTF? To his grandma? Uh…ok. He reminds me a little of Andrew from Desperate Housewives. If only he had the personality of mean Andrew. The guy is ok, but I don’t really dig the performance. “Geek in the Pink” I see the Geek. I don’t see the Pink, but I do see something that stinks. Inexplicably, the judges love him. I think they are just so damn bored that they will say anything to hype the show.
Sundance. Dedicating it to his son Levi. Damn. With all the combinations of fun he could have had with (insert rude, inappropriate word) Head. He picks Levi. Sundance is going to sing “Mustang Sally”. He’s back to wearing an open shirt with the gold chain. Lovely. I must say that Sundance is ten times better than last week’s dismal performance. But how could he not be better? Wait. Check that last statement. See Malakar, Rebbie. At least Sundance doesn’t get to be called Suckass tonight. But he still doesn’t impress me. In fact, during his entire performance, I was hoping, praying in fact, that I did not see (1) Lake Superior sized Pit Stains and (2) that his shirt would not rise high enough to expose Sundance Belly, or even worse, Sundance deep forest Treasure Trail. I would have thrown up right then and there if that had happened. Ick.
Overall, it was a...night. While marginally better than last week, the guys still suck and I don’t know how they are going to compete with the Sistas of Perpetual Indulgence.
If I had to dance the Cha Cha Cha tonight:
My first dance would go to…
Blake. Not the best vocally, but at least he mixes things up (wardrobe & song selection) and is interesting.
Next would be:
Best Buy (Crosses finger & secretly wishes Apple Store {squeal}) Sligh: The guy can sing and he was modest tonight. He would be the type of guy you dance with and start singing no matter what song came on and then relate a story from his personal life to that song. So Best Buy.
My third rose would go to:
Phil Fester. Phil has a nice voice but lacks mega wattage. Maybe he’ll be like Magni from Rockstar? But Magni had stage presence. And I’m stuck at a stupid dance with Phil Stacey. Kill me now.
My back-up dancing partners would be:
Chris Richardson: It was ok. I would like to see him and not think he’s trying to be Justina Timberlake. I would put him in a Princess Leia outfit, dog collar & chain and have him stand by my side while I danced.
Sundance: Improved. But IF I danced with him, and it would be a big IF, I would dance like we did in high school with two hands on his waist.
Nick, AJ & Jared. Group dance. All four of us together. After all, Fourgy’s are fun and it’s empty calories so you can have as many of them as you want.
And then you have the wallflowers:
Brandon: Sorry Effie, this time I am telling you, you ARE going.
Sanjaya “the forgotten” Malaguena-Jackson. Rebbie takes her Centipede and goes back to Seattle.
Those are the men. Can’t we just pick 3 or 4 of them & send the rest home? Oh well, come Tuesday, we will be down to 8 men. Scary thing is, 6 of these hacks are guaranteed to make the finals. Egads.
Ok, y’all, Have a good day. It’s time for me to polish my Cha Cha’s and get ready for the ladies tonight…and I have to get ready for fourgy {Slurp}. I am OUT of here.
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