Hi Kids,
And so it begins. Another crap fabulous season of that icon known as American Idol aka the “Oh gawd, please don’t give us another Taylor ” season. That means a chick will win. Ok, here is a not so inspired Cha Cha Cha report. Maybe tonight’s show will inspire me.
I need inspiration! I need salvation! I need a Savior! The Donger needs food! Now I must tell you that the Cha-meister has not been watching any of the audition shows except for the Seattle show, so I am going into this show blind. Not that there is any advantage to going in blind but I must admit that after hearing some of these dudes sing, I may be envious of the hearing impaired. So the 12 guys are up tonight, followed by the ladies tomorrow night. Bring it. Oh, and this is the short & sweet because there are 12 guys. Why waste my time writing about all 12 when they are going to be forgotten by tomorrow.
There’s Ryan. All snappy in a vest & jeans. Judges. Yawn. Yadda yadda.
Rudy Cardenas. Originally from VeneZuELaH. “Free Ride”. Boy, you need to settle down. He’s all over the freakin’ place. And he has a girly high pitched voice. Calm the fu*k down. And what the f*ck are you singing? I couldn’t understand half of the lyrics. He was slurring half of his words. Can you imagine him cussing someone out in Spanish with that voice? It would be like an angry, rabid Chihuahua. Curse the bitch out! I found it to be an enegetic, hyper but average performance. And the show’s not off to a good start. Oh, and wearing a target on your shirt is not the best choice of wardrobe.
Brandon Rogers. The back-up singer. “Rock With You”. Started off pretty good and then the beat kicked in. And Brandon showed why he is a background singer. He doesn’t have star quality. Another average performance.
Sundance Head. Ok, ick. I read about this guy but actually seeing him? Ick. The pu&&y facial hair, the gold chain, the unbuttoned shirt, ick ick ick. He sings “Nights In White Satin”. WTF? This is terrible, Muriel. At least he’s covered up, too bad he didn’t tape his mouth shut. Not easy on the eye, not easy on the ear, and judging from his appearance, he’s probably not easy on the nose either. Yep, this guy is the triple threat. “Nights in White Satin”? More like “Night of Fat Satan”. It hurts, it really does. I’m calling it now. Suckass Head and his night of fat satan needs to go home on Thursday.
Paul Kim. “Careless Whisper”. Yeah, even if you whisper, I won’t care because that sucked. And Dude, put on some shoes. You know, not wearing shoes is not a style. You ain’t stompin’ no freakin’ cabbage to make Kim Chee so PUT ON THE SHOES. And while you are at it, WALK OUT THE DOOR. NOW!!! Wow, that sucked. And that “Falsetto” sucked even more. Even Ace Young, the suckass falsetto king of last year, was screaming, “Dude that sucked”. Paul Kim has a bland personality and a bland name. Shameless Korean joke alert! What do Kim Chee, Paul Kim and his feet have in common? They both stank! And sweetie, can we dress for the occasion the next time? Oh wait, there won’t be a next time. Never mind.
Did y’all actually watch the audition rounds? And this is the best that they had? Egads.
Chris Richardson. Why does this guy dress like Justin Timberlake? Oh ok, people tell him he reminds them of JT. If you don’t want to be compared to La Timberlake, then you need to stop dressing like her! Chris is singing “I Don’t Want To Be (Justin Timberlake)” My, he’s bouncy isn’t he? Nasally, isn’t he? Dad has no rhythm does he? That was decent. He’s entertaining, easy on the eye, he didn’t get my Sexy Back, but he was much better than I expected. But so far, that’s not saying much. I was expecting JT meets K-Fed from Chris. Let’s see what he brings next week. Elliott he’s not, but Bo Bice, IMHO, was the only one who rocked this song in Season 4 .
Nick Pedro. “Now & Forever”. Who? What? I don’t think you’ll see any of the Vote for Pedro shirts after that performance. Boring, vanilla song. Although Nick did have the deer in headlights look nailed down. Kid’s got horrible posture as he sings. There was an awful shot of him with drooping shoulders. I felt like yelling out “Stand up straight, bitch!” He said he was nervous. It showed. Grow a pair of buck-wheats next time. Oh look, someone is actually shorter than Ryan!
Blake Lewis. “Somewhere Only We Know”. This is the beat box guy, right? OK, it would be so easy to trash the guy based on his look in audition, but he’s turning out to be pretty Cool. And he’s from Seattle! Ok major points for doing a fresh, contemporary song. Keane! And I didn’t know Mike Boogie from BB and Travis from SYTYCD had a love child! I like this performance. FINALLY! Fresh, sounded good, different, he’s easy on the eye and he did something other than the beat box, so he is in the lead so far. Cha Cha Cha. Although I need to deduct ½ Cha Cha for resembling Mike Boogie.
Sanjaya Malakar. “Knocks Me Off My Feet”. Another kid from Seattle. Wow. The hair and the smile. This is what you get when you cross Farrah Fawcett Majors (at the time), Donny or Marie (take your pick) Osmond and Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett Malakar. He says that his discarded in Hollywood sister LaToilet (What was his sister’s name?) picked the song. Uh, hello? She got eliminated from the show, should you really be taking Rebbie’s advice? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. “I don’t mean to bore you?” Really? How very. Because you are, bitch, you are! The kid potentially has a beautiful voice, but man, that was a wretched song choice. I hope she doesn’t get eliminated, but methinks she’s in the Danger Will Robinson, Danger zone. And it’s too bad. He seems like a very nice kid. But he gives off a Wacko Jacko vibe (but not in that creepy play will little kids kind of way). I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I don’t feel he’s the AmIdol, but if he can survive this week, he has the potential to make the Top 6 males. And LaToilet will be happy.
Chris Sligh. The pre-made over Jack Osborne guy. “Typical”. Nice song selection. Again, props for picking something fresh & different. I liked his performance. He brings energy and charisma to the show. I think he will flop if he won this competition because he’s borderline novelty act, but it was a good performance. Let’s hope he can keep it up throught the season. Too bad he’s not easy on they eye. And dude, what’s with the attitude? It was mildly humorous when he made the Hoff crying comment and the “Do I Make You Proud” dig, but the IlDivo & Teletubby comment fell flat. It was like he had it in his mind that if we received anything critical from El Simon, he was going to rattle off his snarky comment. Well, Wilbur, I don’t think it worked and it just made the whole situation uncomfortable. Cut to commercial. This guy could become annoying.
Jared Cotter. “Back to One”. Hotty McHotness. Woof. He sings? Apparently the looks have a one up on the voice. Brian Mc Freakin’ Knight? Are you loack of originality kidding me? Yawn. Can we get any more original? Maybe Mister Cot-ter needs to call Ms. Janice Dickinson. I think she’s looking for some “talent”. Although, I would not have an issue with Hotness advancing to next week. As for this week, my cha cha’s would have been on Fi-yah if Hotty McHotness would have slowly unbuttoned his shirt as he sang the “counting” part of the song and ended the song Tyrese style. Now that’s the ONLY way “Back to One” would have been interesting. But no, McHotness was modest and kept his shirt on so he is only average in these bitchy brown Cha Cha horn eyes. Memo to Hotness. SEX SELLS.
A.J. Tabaldo. “Never Too Much”. What the frack is up with singers singing Luther or Stevie Wonder songs year after year after year after year? ENOUGH ALREADY. Frack! So, A.J. the little Pinoy boy, is moving & grooving around the stage. He’s a happy little boy isn’t he? Not bad as a singer, but the song did nothing for him. He reminds me of RJ Helton. In his pre-Idol life, was he a “Christian singer”? If so. Gay! At least mom & dad were happy. And if this AI gig doesn’t’ work out? He can join Jasmine Trias and Camille Velasco in the grand premiere of the Manilla version of “Dreamgirls”.
Phil Stacey. “I Could Not Ask For More”. Military guy and the worst name of any idol contestant this year. It’s a totally not memorable name. Hi my name is Phil Stacy and I lost 300 pounds using the bowflex. So this is what Uncle Fester would look like if he went on a diet. Trimspa baby! The guy has a slight resemblance to Chris Daughtry guy but only because he’s bald. And no, I’m not doing any shaved Britney comparisons. Pick your shaved area. And nope, I’m not doing it. And is it me or does this guy look a hell of a lot better with a hat? His eyes are scary. What a horrible start. I thought this was another suck ass performance, but dude really kicked it in at the beginning of the chorus. He has a good voice. It will be interesting to see how well he does with song selection, but overall, it was not bad. I loved it when Simon called Ryan “sweetheart”. Ryan got his panties in a wad. Ryan should just bend over and take it from Simon. Just fu*k and get it over with. Ryan annoys. Oh, I read on another board that bland name Stacey reminded them of Andrae from Project Runway. Where’s Tim Gunn when you need him? “Andrae, you sang very well tonight. Why don’t we go to the Red Lobster to celebrate?”
So THAT was the 12? THAT’s what’s getting all the ratings? Totally unimpressive. After week 1, I see none of these guys winning idol. I really hope the chicks are better.
Ugh. What a waste of two hours.
If I had to rank the boyz, it would be as follows.
2.75 Cha cha’s- Blake Lewis (minus points for resembling Mike Boogie but bonus points for resembling Travis from SYTYCD).
2.5 Cha Cha:
Chris “Tinky Winky” Sligh
Phil “Where’s Andrae” Stacey
2.0 Cha Cha
Take your pick: Rudy, Brandon, Hotty McHotness, Chris Richardson, AJ
1.5 Cha Cha
Paul “get your stanky feet off my stage” Kim
Nick “Who”?
Farrah Fawcett Makalar
1.0 Cha
Suckass Head.
And tonight it’s the ladies. God Help us All.
Be good, play fair, I still have no motivation to continue watching this show and I am (thankfully) OUT of here!
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