This is tardy. Originally written on 3/29/06.
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Hi Kids.
Top
10. No Kevin Covais. Rejoice! Rejoice! It feels like Christmas! Just
watch out for the Yellow Snow. And Idol better be good because the
contestants on Nashville Star kicked ass an hour ago!
The theme
for the show is music from the 21st Century. Since we’re back to a one
hour (Hallelujah) format and we have a full show, we start right off
with Lisa Tucker Teenage Robot.
Lisa: “Because of You” – Kelly
Clarkson. Didn’t she learn from Heather Cox-Sucks? You don’t sing a
song that will compare you to another idol, especially not the first
idol and current reigning pop queen. This is going to be bad news.
Lisa’s got the straight hair tonight. She looks good but she sounds a
little flat. Actually she sounds a lotta flat on a lotta notes. Lisa
Vic'kee, Miracle Child and Small Wonder 2006, is over singing the song.
The judges don’t care for it which shocks Lisa. She is actually shocked
that the judges don’t like her. That just doesn’t compute. Our little
robot is having a computer glitch right on stage. Not good. And I’m
getting tired of all the catty remarks between Ryan & Simon. Just
fu*k and get it over with already. Sheesh. You BOTH can be the bottom.
Piglet:
“Suds in the Bucket” – Sara Evans. Ok, this was one of my favorite
country songs last year. And if I can "sing" it, in the privacy of my
own car, mind you, it ain’t a tough song to sing. Oh.My.Gawd. This is
freakin’ awful. Aw-ful. AWFUL! What the fu*k was that? Piglet is corny,
doing some kind of kick action (maybe it's a hopeful premonition that
she will kick the bucket tonight?), and just plain aaaaaaaaaargh! It
was horrible, Muriel, horrible. Sara Evans should sue. I would pay to
see Sara Evans come on stage, throw the bucket of suds on Piglet and
then beat her with said bucket and then string her on the clothes line
to dry. Oh, audience, sit your collective asses back down on your
chairs. That was not good. One of the worst performances EVAH on the
idol stage. I would love to put Kelly on Nashville Star, sing that
song, and watch Anastacia Brown rip her to shreads. It would be like
watching the bitch queen from Alien going after her pray.
Hisssssssssss.
Ace: “Drops of Jupiter” – Train. What the hell
is going on tonight? That was a fey/wussy/bland performance. And what
the hell was that step tap, step tap routine? This ain’t no
motherfu*kin’ audition for Riverdance, dipsh*t. You’re not Michael
Flatley! Although if Ace dyes his hair blond, gets an eye lift, throws
on a bandana and if you squint really hard...hmmmm. And what’s with the
pulling of the shirt to show his “scar” move? Puh-lease. What’s with
the scar, pretty boy? Ace says he got the scar from hitting something
while playing basketball? Is that what he said? Yeah, right, Ace. Sure
you did. In reality, he probably got the scar when he wrestled some
botoxed collagen infused Beverly Hills housewife for the last bottle of
Jonathan ™ Ultra Hey Look at Me, Bro, I’m Cool, Glam Shine Infuser
Conditioner at Jonathan salon. That biotch was cagey, man, she was
cagey. Paula is very inappropriate by inviting Ace to a private I’ll
show you mine if you show me yours session which, pretty much confirms
Corey Clark’s allegations about her. Just fire her tired old drugged up
ass. Fire her now!
Taylor: “Trouble” by I didn’t catch the
artist’s name. Sorry. It’s a song he loves to sing. While not the most
challenging of songs, it was nice to see him subdued, well, subdued for
Taylor. Although the, to quote Margaret Cho, “I, Have to pee, RIGHT
NOW” stance was a little annoying. You know the stance. You keep your
legs locked next to each other, and you are leaning a little as if to
fool the pee to think that it’s a detour and it doesn’t have the
express lane out of your pee pee and in the meantime, you are also
squeezing your ass so tight that even that diamond you’re forming in
your ass is saying “yo’ bitch, stop squeezing so tight”. What was I
talking about again? Oh yeah, Taylor. You know, it was good, but as
Randy said, I don’t know, dog it was aiiight. Not very memorable. And
that's Trouble. Right Here on Americal Idol. With A capital T which
rhymes with P which stands for Piglet Sucks.
Mandisa: “Praise
Jeebus, the Lord Hath Come and I Will Shout, Shout, Let it ALL Out” by
Mary Mary and the Tears for Fears of Heaven. This has got to be the
longest song title evah on idol. Kidding. We get a rear shot. And would
you look at that ASS! Wow. Well, if Taylor was making a small diamond
in his ass, then Girlfriend’s got a job at Harry Winston. That is a
major booty shot. Woah. Mandisa's looks good. The hair & make-up
are flawless. But I don’t care for the song. I don't. There I said. it.
I. Don't. Care. For. This Song. Because it’s TOO DAMN LOUD. TONE IT
DOWN. I TOLD YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT I WANT TO HEAR THE SOFTER
SIDE OF SEARS FROM YOU. YOU AIN’T HARKING THE HERALD ANGELS, BIOTCH.
THEY CAN HEAR YOU. EVEN HELEN KELLER CAN HEAR YOU. DAMN. WHAT? WHY AM I
SHOUTING? I'M SHOUTING? REALLY? I CAN’T TELL. YOU SEE, MANDISA’S
SINGING. I SAID MANDISA’S SINGING. MANDISA. NO, FOOL,MAN-DI-SA YOU
KNOW, THAT CHICK ON IDOL. NO, SHE'S NOT A BIGFOOT. OH NEVER MIND, SHE’S
DONE. Wow. That was church right there. I thought that was overbearing.
And Goony Goo Goo to you too, Mandisa.
Chris “What If” –
Creed. Ack! Creed! Scott Stapp! OMG, I got a Stapp infection! Call the
medics! Ack ack ack! Chris says something like this is the “hardest”
song he’s sung thus far in the competition. Ok, y'all, insert your
“hard” jokes here. I'll wait. OK, now this guy’s got the presence, but
I really didn’t like the song. We get it, you like to rock. I agree
with Simon and Chris needs to show more range in his songs from here on
out. Last week, he was brilliant. This week? Not so much. Borderline
annoying. And he gets minus points this week for singing Creed.
Although Chris could make up the minus points and earn bonus points by
replacing Scott in the infamous “video” that Scott made with Kid Rock
and the groupies...but minus Kid Rock and replacing the groupies with
me.
Katharine: “The Voice Within” – Xtina. And the voice
within me says “this is going to suck”. And can someone tell me who
dresses this girl? What the fu*k is she wearing tonight? Is she
planning on entering a fencing competition? Or if this singing gig
doesn’t work out, is she going to try out for the role of Dark Evil
"Ick, it's a girl" Wendy in Michael Jackson’s version of Peter Pan? I
can fly! I can fly! I can suck! To me, that performance was horrible.
Kat over sang the song. Not fresh. Clinker notes here & there and
there are times when certain notes sounds like nails on the chalkboard
with this girl.
Bucky: Obviously inspired by his Faith Hill
hairdo a few weeks ago, he chooses “Real Good Man” – Tim McGraw. Uh,
uh, uh....Tim McGraw is a real good sexy man isn’t he? And his wife
sure is purrrrty.
Paris: “Work It Out” – Beyonce. Oh no, she’s
NOT going to try & sing Beyonce is she? Oh yes she is. And 'Lil
Paris is working it out. She’s shaking her booty. I guess I’m supposed
to love this performance. But I can’t. I'm not buying it. I think it's
because I’m too distracted by all the bling. Looks like little Miss
Rudy Huxtable got her allowance and spent it all on the quarter &
fiddy cent vending machines because look at all the pretty jewelry she
bought! The way she wore her hair, the clothing choice, the cheap Joan
Rivers jewelry, the make-up application, all wrong wrong wrong for the
song. It was too much and too distracting. As Simon said, it looked
like a little girl pretending to be Beyonce.
OMG! They just
showed a commercial advertising a concert on June 24th at Qwest field.
Gretchen Wilson, Dierks Bentley, Big & Rich AND Kenny Chesney. Oh
my gawd, I MUST but tickets to this show. It’s going to be freakin’
fantabulously AWESOME. After a horrible show, this announcement has
revitalized me. I’m psyched.
The final performance of the
evening is Elliott. He’s going to sing Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Want To
Be” which Bo sang last year. Chimp Chimp says he’s gong to throw in a
soul twist. Ok, I don’t hear it, but I do like his voice. I really
don’t care for this song, the arrangement, his rendition or that humped
over bobbing up & down thing that he’s doing. I so want to run out
there and give Chimp Chimp a fez and some cymbals! I’m so bad. That was
ok for me. And Chimp Chimp does look better with facial hair. Has
anyone seen that commercial for some computer company where all the
humans are made up to look like human monkeys? When I first saw that
commercial I thought of Chimp Chimp. Awww cute.
ANYHOO, so
tonight’s show sucked. It was totally and utterly a sucky suck night on
idol. And we're not talking Eureka suckage. We’re talking Dyson
suckage. And as they are showing the recap I am crying. Crying, I tell
you, as they show Piglet singing "Suds in the Bucket" I am literally
Nancy Kerriganing it at the Moment. “Why? Why? Why? Wahhhhhhhhhhh”
Cha
Cha Cha: Matt Mason, Chris Young, Casey Rivers, Nicole Jamrose and
Melanie Torres (but not the first half of her song) from Nashville Star.
Cha Cha: I guess Taylor, Chris “Don’t call me Scott Stapp” Daughtry, Rudy Huxtable and Chimp Chimp.
1.5 Cha’s: Everytime you hear Mandisa sing, an Angel loses his hearing. Dark Wendy, Scar baby
Cha: Vi’ckee the Robot, Bucktard
No Cha Cha’s, None, El Zippo Cha Cha-o's: Piglet
Well,
kids, that’s it for me. I guess tonight we find out who leaves. How
about if we have a Blue Light Special and send Crappy & Piglet back
home to North Carolina. That would be awesome. It’s kind of like the
American Idol version of BOGO!
Be good, stay fresh and keep your fingers out of my damn cookie jar. I am OUT of here.
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