AmIdol - The Top 12

Hi Kids!

After weeks of preliminaries, we finally get to the top 12. But before I begin, I would like to announce that I am quitting the cha cha cha report for personal reasons. I do not want to discuss the reason I’m quitting because it’s personal. I thought about calling a press conference and going on every talk show in America to announce that I am quitting due to personal reasons, but since it was for personal reasons, I thought a damage control tour was not necessary. But I do want to tell everyone that I am quitting for personal reasons and I would like to personally thank everyone on this board for being great and supportive. But for personal reasons, I just have to stop. Personally. Really. It is personal. And I am not gay. But even if I was, it would be personal. OK I am gay. But it’s personal. And that’s not why I’m quitting. Really.

Ok, you bastards have drug it out of me. I’ll tell. I am sick and tired of all these so called reality contestants/hacks going on national television knowing what they are getting into and then wasting everyone’s time by quitting. I don’t give a flying fu*k if it is for personal reasons. You hooked us in, you put yourself in that position, fu*k your personal reasons and either stay on the show or spill it. Fine. Mario Vasquezzzzzz leave the show. Take your personal reasons and your suitcase full of hats and go back to New York, you 28 year old should have already been a star but didn’t make it in O-Town “performer” and blow it out you’re a$$! Wow. Such anger. Such venom. But whew, that’s a load off my chest!

ON with the show!!! Out Mario (tee hee hee), in Nikko! Ryan shows a clip where he announces this week’s theme to the idolettes. He ask Bo a question about Chubby Checker and the twist and Bo mentions it’s from the 60’s. Now, I don’t think of Chubby Checker as the 60’s. I think more of The Beatles. They show a moment that completely shoots all credibility of the entity known as “the Rockers.” Ryan makes them stand up and do the twist. Constatinly a whore gladly stands up, Bo not so, and they do the twist. Gouge out my eyes NOW. Ick. Needless to say, the theme for tonight’s show is any song from the 60’s.

We have a new stage but it must be by the same Gawdy designer. A bigger band and a bigger audience. Same judges.

1st up is Jessica Sierra. She’s going to sing “Shop Around” Jessica is wearing a tight orange blouse under a white jacket that has bright flowers sewn into the shoulders, and tight jeans with a big ass belt. OK, that blouse is not the most flattering on the girl as it makes her look 6 months pregnant. But at least she’s got the girls covered up this week. Her smoky voice is interesting to me and I like it, but I just don’t know if I like her. There is nothing spectacular about this performance. It’s one of those performance that if you were shopping in a mall, you would pause for a sec to see who’s singing and then continue on with your shopping. Not at a Beverly Hills mall, mind you. Heavens no. Not with this girl. She’s more like a performer in a mall in Fresno.

Breaking out the trial new Cha Cha Cha rating system:

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha
Je ne sais Quoi (JNSQ) factor: 2.5
Total Score: 2.2 Cha’s

Anwar is going to sing “A House Is Not a Home.” Ok, I still get chills just thinking about Miss Tamyra’s performance of this song in AI1 so I’m already thinking “Oh no, uh-uh, Miss thing is NOT going to try to sing a song and outdo Miss Tamyra is she?” First of all he looks good tonight dressed all in black tonight. His hair is pulled back in a bun with a black scrunchie. Kidding. He’s wearing an open black pirate shirt that is open down to there ($14.99 from international male), a long black coat ($24.99 winter clearance sale at International Male) and black slacks ($19.99 international male, page 24). I bet he’s even wearing black underwear from International Male or that underwear catalogue Undergear? He looks like a cross between a Gay Morpheus from the Matrix and an extra from “Interview with a Vampire” So Lestat, I mean, Anwar sings the damn AHINAH song. But I don’t think it’s the right song for him. His rendition is too slow and drawn out. His pitch is all over the place. It just doesn’t have the spark of his preliminary performances. It was ok, but not great. I wonder if he can get credit from IM if he returns the outfit?

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha
JNSQ factor: 4
Total Score: 2.7 Cha’s

If this is going to be a trend tonight, maybe I really should quit!

Mikalah. Alright! She’s going to sing Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man” Tough one. Didn’t Camille Velasco butcher this song last year? Well, Mikalah Drescher is wearing a shimmering crop top exposing a whole lot of skin, low-rise black pinstripe pants, big hair and a lot of make-up. She looks so much older than 16/17. She looks like a performer and she has a spark. I don’t know about the performance. Dusty didn’t have the greatest voice but she made it work. Mikalah has the spark, but not the greatest voice. I don’t think it was as bad as the judges made it out to be because she really “performed” the song. I didn’t hate it, but it was not vocally strong. But she is sasssss-ay.

Technical Merit: Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha
JNSQ factor: 4
Total score: 2.3 Cha’s

Constantine: He’s going to sing “You Make Me So Very Happy” Tonight constipation is wearing a long sleeved blue shirt with the top two or three buttons unbuttoned and brown or gray slacks. He’s actually doing a good job with the song. Ding! OMG! He’s the new David Cassidy! He’s Keith Partridge 2005. Constantpainintheass should have auditioned for VH-1’s the new Partridge family show. You never know, since he’s already been whoring himself out on elimidate. So he does a decent job on the song. I don’t like his voice and I thought his last note was bitchy, or rather pitchy. And he has puffy chin. Constantcravingforattention’s greatest strength is his stage presence.

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha
JNSQ factor: 4
Total score: 2.7 Cha’s

Lindsey Cardinale de Mato: “Knock On Wood.” Yeah, can we take that piece of wood and just knock her out of the show? She’s wearing a black blouse, jeans and a velvet choker. See, I knew it! They called up Julia DeMato, chopped off her head and sewed it on Lindsey’s body. That choker hides the stitching. This girl is horrible. No stage presence. Not memorable at all. I mean come on, if everyone and their mother thinks she reminds them of Julia DeMato, that’s can’t be a good thing! Jessica is doing the patented shit squat move…and again, and again, and again! Girl, just do it already and get off the can. Frankly, I don’t even remember what she sounded like. The judges torch her. I’m not wasting any more space on her.

Technical Merit: Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha
JNSQ factor: 1
Total score: 1 Cha

Anthony: The Fed (hot bod) is going to sing “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” (hot bod)– ballad version. Oooh, looky looky, someone is showing off the guns (hot bod) tonight. Fievel is wearing a tight polo (hot bod) and black pinstripe slacks. No, it’s not the same pinstripes that Mikalah wore (hot bod), although after seeing Mr. Fedorov’s tight (hot sex) bod, maybe he should have worn the top (hot bod) that Mikalah wore so we could have seen some skin (dirty sex)and seen if he has a six-pack (hot bod). I though he did a good job singing (tie him up) the song. It wasn’t stimulating (hot bod) or knock it out of the ball (hot sex) park good, but it was much better than some of the other performances (hot bod). Yes, it was loungey, but he surprised me with his look (hot Murena sex) .

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha Cha (hot bod)
JNSQ factor: 2.5
Total score: 2.5 Cha’s

Nadia: Dusty Springfield’s (another one?) “You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me.” First of all, she looks hot tonight. Very glamorous. Nadia is wearing a teal spaghetti strap dress that accentuates her figure and shows off her long legs. Wow. Smokin’! Sizzle. Ssssssssssss. She’s doing a fabulous job with the song. She changes the song just a little to add a little Nadia flare. The girl knows how to perform. It’s to the point now where I look forward to seeing what she’s going to do each week. Star quality. At this point, she’s Michelle Kwan.

Technical Merit: Cha Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha Cha
JNSQ factor: 5
Total score: 3.7 Cha’s

Bo Bice: “Spinning Wheel.” The perfect song for Bo. He says he’s performed this song many times with his band. It shows. Wearing a black shirt (from Cher’s Sanctuary collection?) and the obligatory black "rocker" leather pants. OK BO’s going into the audience and the “second stage” behind the judges…and he’s taking his mi stand with him. And now he’s going back on stage….and taking the mic stand with him. Who does he think he is, Eddie Montgomery from Montgomery Gentry? What next, is he going to propeller twirl the mic stand like Eddie Montgomery? Bo does a good job with the song and really worked the stage and audience tonight. He’s stepped up his artistic marks.

Technical Merit: Cha Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha (minus for carrying that mic stand around like a puppy).
JNSQ factor: 4
Total score: 3.3 Cha’s

Vonzell: “Anyone Who Has a Heart” Wow, she looks nice tonight in that red dress. And new hairdo! No more Omorossa! And she ditched the gaudy eye shadow for a more subdued look. Nice. She’s actually showing some signs of talent but only a little. Simon got it right by saying that Vonzell has been middle of the pack and she needs to do something to make her stand out. Maybe if she goes postal (sorry, couldn’t resist) on Nadia, Bo, Constantine and Carrie, she’ll stand out.

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha
JNSQ factor: 3
Total score: 2.3 Cha’s

Scott Savol: “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” Oh no, he’s doing Motown. He’s not going to dance is he? Please don’t let Slingblade dance. WTF is he wearing? He’s wearing a white t-shirt under a suede coat and also wearing matching suede pants. For a moment there I thought he was Dr. Zeus from Planet of the Apes. Wasn’t it the Orangutan’s that wore the brown outfits? Slingblade needs a style make-over mmm hmm. This guy has a sweet, smooth voice but he is just not easy on the eye. At least he’s keeping dancing to a minimum and he’s working the stage and audience by walking around. Walking good. Slingblade dancing bad. As he passes Randy, it dawns on me that with the same hairdo and the glasses, he looks like a white version of pre-surgery Randy! Dawg! I just don’t know about Scott. I like his voice, I don’t like his image and I don’t like his song selection. But I like him better than some of the other contestants.

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha
JNSQ factor: 2
Total score: 2.0 Cha’s

Carrie: “When Will I Be Loved.” First of all, she looks great tonight. A brown loose top with jeans and accented by a glittery gold scarf. She has straight her hair tonight and the make-up is perfect. But her performances are just bleh. Maybe she needs to change her last name to Underwhelming. She has a great pure Country voice that would make her a star in the Country music field. But her stage presence is just bland. I sound like a broken record! Maybe she needs to watch some Nashville Star and see how some of the gals perform on that show. Randy & Paula don’t like it, but Simon goes back to his pimping his favorite.

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha Cha
JNSQ factor: 3
Total score: 2.3 Cha’s

Nikko: He’s singing the fittingly appropriate “I Want You Back” Tito is wearing a white T-shirt under a black jacket, and baggy jeans. No ass. He’s a skinny little thing. He reminds me of DJ Jazzy Jeff. All the time he was performing all I could think about was “too bad Mario quit” And then it was over. I don’t even remember what Nikko sounded like. He may be safe this week but he will soon be gone if he doesn’t step it up. But there’s nothing to step up because I see him more of a group performer rather than a solo. Are there any plans to do B2KII?

Technical Merit: Cha Cha
Artistic Merit: Cha
JNSQ factor: 1.5
Total score: 1.5 Cha’s

Overall what a snooze fest of a show. American Idozed Off! The only real standouts tonight were by far Nadia and maybe Bo. The rest were ok. Factoring in the three rating variables, here’s how they stacked up on the Cha Cha Cha rate-o-meter:

Nadia: 3.7
Bo: 3.3
Constantine: 2.7
Anwar: 2.7
Anthony 2.5
Vonzell 2.3
Carrie 2.3
Mikalah 2.3
Jessica 2.2
Scott 2.0
Nikko 1.5
Lindsey 1.0

America votes will probably put Nikko, Lindsey and Mikalah in the bottom three with (cross your fingers) Lindsey getting the boot out into the land of oblivion.

Doing 12 reviews is draining! Until next week, be good, stay clean and keep your damn personal reasons to yourself, m’kay?

Cha Cha Cha is OUT of here.