Hi Kids,
Yes! It’s the grand finale! Showtime! Woo Hoo! After weeks of grueling, bitching cut throat competition, it all comes down to this. Who will be The Swan? What? Wrong show? Whoops. My bad. Hey look, there’s Ryan who’s wearing an unbuttoned black shirt under a white satin tuxedo. We’re in the Kodiak Theater tonight. From the initial audience reaction, there are more Fanty fans in the audience. Ryan introduces the judges. Simon really dressed up for the occasion by wearing a never before worn black t-shirt. Paula is in pink tonight and she is wearing a huge clunky necklace that looked just as fabulous as it did on the model that was wearing it on Melissa Rivers collection night on QVC. Randy is wearing a trendy multi colored striped shirt. Ryan brings out the final two idolettes. Fanty is wearing a black bustier and black pants. Diana is in a black sateen (from the same sale where Mama bought her other sateen material) top and a sparkly jungle-ish motif print skirt and a disco belt (which was obviously came free with purchase of the Donna Summer Ultimate Disco Grand Anthology Selection of Greatest Hits…Ever cd) .
The idolettes will sing two songs of their choosing and the song “I Believe” written by none other than 19E’s latest pimpette and former idolette, Tamyra Gray. Woo Woo. Hmmmm and T’s cd just dropped today. I’m surprised Ryan didn’t add ‘written by Season 1 finalist Tamyra Gray, whose cd "The Dreamer”, is released today on the 19 record label. Go out and get your coy now.” Shameless.
We see the obligatory profile of Diana. Blah blah blah Snellville. Blah Blah Blah lucky to make it this far. Blah Blah Blah take it one show at a time. Blah blah blah my mother has entered me in every contest imaginable robbing me of my childhood and making me into a machine and I’m praying to the good Lord above that I finally win one of these contest just so she can get off my freakin’ back.
Since it is the finals, I’m not giving out Cha Cha Cha’s after each performance. I will take it as a whole (as opposed to take it like a man?) and rate them at the very end.
Diana’s first song is the song that Tamyra wrote entitled “I Believe” ™ and it will be hereby known as the official song of the inaugural Idol Olympiad © that will be held in either Brussels or Mogadishu. Right. On. So we’ve got the gospel choir in the background. Diana has the Hilary Duff look again, but this time she has put some loose curls in her hair. She’s very shaky on the low notes and not very convincing. She’s definitely got the chops for the power notes. Diana has two volumes. Loud and Louder. Subtle she’s not. I’m just not feeling this performance. This must sound better live because I am not feeling to love that the judges are feeling. It’s generic gospel soul. Kind of like if Kathy Lee Gifford recorded the song. Come to think of it…perky, white, singer, comes across as fake/plastic…it’s this year’s version (last year it was that Caldwell chic) of KL Gifford! Maybe Dian could have gotten a cameo in the Stepford wives as a Stepford child! Perfect. I think if the judges listen to the playback of the performance, they would not be so kind.
Oh look, Johnny Red is in the audience…in a suit. Enough with the suit. Why not just be a 16 year old again and wear stuff from AE, A&F or Old Navy for gosh darn sakes! Amy Adams, who’s sporting dyed black hair these days, and her kooky boyfriend are in the audience. Which begs me to ask, Where’s George Huff? Has anyone seen George since he was booted? I’ve seen Mike Hunt but no George. Maybe we should page him. Curious. George, that is.
Next. Fantasia’s obligatory video. Blah Blah Blah gospel choir, blah blah blah big lips, blah blah blah mother, blah blah blah just get me off this freakin’ show so I can hang with Missy Elliot, Chingy, Ludacris, Old Dirty Bastard and Clay Aiken…all at the same time.
Fantasia sings a song that she has never performed on the show before, KC & JoJo’s song “All My Life”. What the hell was she thinking? Wrong song. Do you want to hand the competition to Diana? The background music is cheesy. But even though the song sucks, Fanatasia is wailing away on it. She does know how to take a song, no matter how much it sucks and makes it interesting. Randy didn’t like the musical arrangement. Paula says that even though the song is mediocre, Fantasia still knows how to take an audience by their throats and strangle them to death by taking those man hands of hers and just squeezing the living bejeebus out of them. Just squeeze the life out of those fuc*tards because they are evil money sucking whores who really don’t know anything about nails and have no business running a “nail salon”. I’m a diva and everyone who’s anyone knows that you must sterilize the nail equipment at all times. So, for all I care you can squeeze the life out of them and they can rot in their gorgeous pretty beauty nail salon waste with their innards spilling out like a tired old piece of yesterday’s news… like my and MC Skat Cat’s career. Not really. She really didn’t say that. But you know she thought about it. But she did say Fantasia knows how to grab an audiences’ attention. Simon says the song was bad as it would go over everyone’s heads if it was played on the radio and Fantasia is lucky to have two more chances.
Diana song 2. No More Tears (Enough Is Enough). For this song, our lovely Miss Teen Georgia is wearing a shimmering top and black pant. I have the same blouse in my closet. Whoops, did I say that out loud? Inner voice. Inner voice Inner voice….
So Diana sings the song and it’s ok. I think she sang it better a few weeks ago on disco night. She nailed it that night. Tonight, it was ok. Nothing different about the performance, same interpretation. Randy says Diana is singing her face off. Uhhh, ok. Whatever Randee. Paula says good job. Simon says that Diana sang well, but her dancing is hideous. Very pageant like. BINGO! Prize the man up.
Fantasia song 2. “Summertime” I wish they made the idolettes sing songs they have never sung before. At least Fanty chose a new song, no matter how wrong, for her first song. She is wearing a red dress. If I fault Fantasia for anything, it’s her choice of fashion. The girl has horrible wretched taste in clothing. It always look like hand me downs or something that she found at the gettin’ store. Maybe she & Jasmine went shopping one weekend? This version is slightly different than when she originally sang it a few weeks back. The judges go apeshit over the performance. Simon goes so far as telling Fanty that she is probably the best contestant that they have ever had on ANY of the idol shows in the world. Oh oh, is this the kiss of death?
Song 3 – Degarmo, Diana. “Don’t Cry out Loud”. You just sang this song last week! I wish she would have chosen a new song for her third song. No, I take that back. Since she sang DCOL better than NMT, and it’s a better closer song, I guess I wish she would have chosen a different, never sung before song for her second song. She’s got a shimmering top under a black suit. Again, she’s good with the power notes, but no so on the lower register and softer notes. Ooh, major suckage going on in the middle there, Diana. Wha Happened? She sounds strained at the end. Like her second song, Diana performed this one better last week. Randy says she was weak in the beginning, hit the highs but fell apart in the middle. Paula says something funky happened in the middle, but it still works. Simon thinks, after hearing Fantasia’s performance, tried to nail the song, but didn’t think she nailed the competition.
Song 3, Barrino, Fantasia. Her version of “I Believe”. In a green dress. Again, fashion emergency, but at least she’s in a dress. Fantasia definitely has the emotional edge over The D.I.A.N.A. Wow. Very uplifting. It’s like she’s raising the congregation. Paula is crying. Amy Adams is crying. The gal with the hat sitting in front of Amy Adams is bored with the competition That, or she is embarrassed and pissed off that she was the only one who didn’t get the “and don’t wear a big floppy white hat to the Kodak theater” memo. (edited to add: upon further review of the tape, OMG! hat girl is Jennifer Hudson! She's probably still pissed off that she's sitting in the audience while perky pep girl is up on stage)
Ack! It’s the Matthole. Hamming it up (fanning himself) for the cameras. Cut away! Cut away! Fantasia is crying on stage. She brought the song to a new level and it’s amazing that the interpretation can be so different than The D.I.A.N.A.
The judges pretty much pimp the title to Fantasia which means, as we all know, that The D.I.A.N.A. will win the American Idol crown and make the phrase “Thenk Ewe, Thenk C’mon Y’all. Thenk Ewe” a household phrase like “She Bangs” and “I’m Spi-ccccy!”
To finish the evening off Ryan introduces a special guest. What? Who? Usher? Sting? The almost totally ignored Ruben Studdard? Kelly Clarkson? Kelly & Ruben are going to join forces and sing “One Moment In time I will be Flying Without Wings”? Clay Aiken is here to sing the runner-up song “This Is The Night…Someone Gets Screwed”? Tamyra is going to sing “Raindrops Will Fall”…again? Ryan’s favorite bitch Jim Verraros is going to sing? Who could it possibly be!
It’s….Paul Anka. Paul Anka? Que? Paul “One Man Woman, One Woman Man and You’re Having My Baby, Damnit” Fu*kin’ Anka? Did Anka blow Simon Fuller to be allowed to sing on the finale? The fu*k? Wait a minute. Wait a gosh darn conspiracy theory minute. Paul Anka had a huge hit with the song “Diana”. Are the producers trying to subtly tell us something? Are the conspiracy theorists correct? Praise Fantasia because she has a deal already and Diana needs this so piss off America by shamelessly praising Fantasia as the chosen one and that way America will vote Diana? Could it be? Is Oliver Stone involved with AI in any way, shape or form? If you play “You Light Up My Life” backwards, will it say “Fantasia is a skank who shouldn’t have had a child out of wedlock at 17 and is not an American Idol and someone that my teenage children should look to as a role model, but I’m not passing judgment or anything because the bible says it’s wrong?” Hmmm. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, people! But I digress. Mr. Anka is there to sing “My Way” American Idol style. He changes his lyric to this classic song incorporate the idols into the song. He intersperses these “lyrics” in the song: Diana, Fantasia, Latoya was robbed, JPL is an overrated hobbit, Whatever happened to George Huff, the Red Headed step-child is no crooner and I know crooners and he’s just a wannabe, Amy Nikki Vanessa Adams - oh who cares what her name was, it’s the chic with the pink hair, Jennifer Hudson is a big star with no fashion sense, Matt Rogers is an arrogant prick, Jasmine is a sweet leilani, Camille is not, Leah who? Really he inserted all those words into “My Way” Totally made it “his own”. No wonder people booed him off the stage sending him back into the land of obscurity, otherwise known as Sedaka-ville. Just kidding. It was a sappy Hallmark moment and I almost reached for a tissue. Not really.
So, each idolette has three numbers assigned to them and voting will last four, count ‘em four big fat freakin’ hours!
My pick for the Golden Cha Cha Cha Idol is….Fantasia. Duh. She is Cha Cha Cha in my book as she has been the most consistent performer each week. She brought me up, she brought me down and my Cha Cha’s really felt her connection to each song that she sang. Diana gets a well deserved Cha Cha because she did work her D.I.A.N.A. incorporated tush off to get this far. Both contestants had a nice run and it will be interesting to see where their career paths take them.
On a side note, it was a very interesting choice of “I Believe” as the official Idol song because I don’t think it is very radio friendly. But as a pageant song, it works. And I really do hope that they use is as the official song inaugural Idol Olympiad © in either Brussels or Mogadishu. I vote Moga.
So, that’s it. Tonight we find out who wears the American Idol crown. A long season has come down to tonight. A stretched out show filled with endless commercials, useless suck-up banter, sappy songs and a reunion of all the idolettes that you have come to love and hate. Will it be D.I.A.N.A. incorporated or Fantasia? I don’t know. I do know that I have to give a big Cha Cha Cha THANK YOU to all of you out there for reading this little bitchfest report of mine. It was real. It was fun. And it actually and truly was Real Fun. So for all you cha cha cha chuckleheads out there, remember to be good, play fair, and to quote Tamyra Gray, “Baby, you’re a STAR whether you know it or not!” For the final time this season, Cha Cha Cha is OUT of here!
Comments