Hi Kids!
Let Freedom Ring. How ironic that will turn out to be. By special request here is an abbreviated therapeutic Cha Cha Cha report.
So, tonight is the American Idol results show. And I’m doing a first. A Cha Cha Cha recap. I know, you’re thinking WTF? Yes, kids, Cha Cha is fired up. And I can’t tell you why, because you know why, but I can’t trell you because if I’m doing a recap that would be jumping ahead, although now I’ve given it away with why Cha Cha has his panties in a wad. Oh well, sometimes you just have to say (everyone say it with me) What The Fu*k. Moving on.
We start with the recap of last night. We hear the praises of Manilow, who as it turns out was just as sugary sweet as his ballads. Very polite and very bland unlike Quentin the week prior. We hear the term “3 Divas” a couple of times. Ooooh, foreshadowing?
So we have a group number starring Barry Manilow! Taken from his latest cd, Barry is going to sing “Let Freedom Ring.” The idolettes are basically relegated to back-up singers for this number. Because there is only one STAR in a Barry Manilow production and that’s him, **MANILOW**. Barry appears onstage shirtless wearing a towel. The old man must have lost his mind because I think he’s expecting to see other men, with colt mustaches, standing around in towels. Suddenly reality kicks in and Manilow realizes that this is American Idol and not the Continental bathhouse. Seriously. Barry sings the opening verses of this unapologetic bombastic rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air, patriotic number. American Flag graphic wave on the plasma screens in the background. People are waving red, white and blue glo-sticks in the audience. RJ Helton, who is still in the audience from last week, stands up & whips out his schlong and screams I’ve got something blue for you right here! Jennifer Hudson is the only one who gets sort of a solo by wailing out ONE note. Barry is a stage hog and when he’s on stage, it’s all about Miss Ross…I mean, Miss Manilow. The song ends and everyone is on their feet. RJ is still waving. People tell him the song is over so he needs to put “it” away.
We go to commercial and faster than you can say “shameless promotion of crap shoved down our throats” we are back. Ryan is going to read divide the group into two groups. I wasn’t taking notes so this is kind of how it went. Fantasia Group A, Diana Group B, Jennifer Group A, Jasmine Group B, Latoya Group A, John Group B. George is left sitting on the sofa. Which group will he go to? The Diva group or the Tiger Beat! group? We get some weird commercial with the idolettes on Mars driving some Chevy vehicle and they stop for that creature form the movie “Short Circuit” I expect to see an emaciated Ally Sheedy walk on screen and yell “BOO!”
So we go to commercial and when we come back, George is still sitting on the sofa. Ryan tells George that he is “safe” and George screams like he was going to 90% off sale at Prada. She does a little turn-around thingy dance and is very happy. “Hercules!” “Hercules!” Whoops, wrong black male contestant. Ryan tells George to go join the top group. Now everyone’s confused. Top group? Which is the top group? Did we miss something? The Fu*ck? George is confused as he walks towards the two groups, looking at Ryan. The audience is a buzz screaming at George. Each group is calling George to “Pick me!” “Pick me!” “Screw that group” Latoya pulls her blouse off her should and gives George a come hither look telling him “Let your inner Diva OUT, girlfriend, and join the girls..you know you wanna!” George recoils in horror. “Pick Us” “Pick Us” scream all the idolettes. Well, all except John. John just stands there scratching the top of his head making a funny face.
So George makes his way down the stage and joins the Diva gorup. Ryan asks “Uh, George, I told you to join the top group that is NOT the top group tonight”. All hell breaks loose. Everyone is in shock. Diana doesn’t know which way to turn. Jasmine is holding her face in a Home Alone moment. George is totally confused. John stand there scratching the top of his head making a funny face. WHAT THE FU*K IS GOING ON? Yes, kids, Cha Cha Cha was knocked off his Cha Cha Cha ass when it dawned on him that the 3 Divas were the bottom 3 performers. And how dare they use George the way they did. AI totally played him. They also made a fool of the 3 idolettes who were in the “safe” group because you know the producers knew who EVERYONE thought were the bottom 3 tonight. The AI producers are nothing but low down manipulative bastards. Bastards, I tell you. I was wrong in week one and I take back my previous BUTT-HEAD quote because THIS SUCKS MORE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVR SUCKED BEFORE. Who’s responsible for this? Who? Who, damnit? Was it Manilow? You freakin’ Palm Springs botox bastard! Was it Simon? Damn British bastard pig. Paula? Yeah, straight up my ass you cold hearted bi…Randy? You’re just a damn bastard dawg and your mom’s a big fat…Who? Who is responsible? Canada? BLAME CANADA? No! it’s YOU AMERICA! This is YOUR fault (because Cha Cha is never wrong)! You did this. Let Freedom ring? Fu*k Freedom. This is American Idol, damnit. And Cha Cha WANTS THE DIVAS TO BE IN THE TOP 3. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaraaargh.Aaaaaaaaargh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh. Wow, Cha Cha Channeling Sam Kinnison!
Phew. Tthat’s good therapy, right there. Pure rage! Nice. Ok, so we have the 3 Diva in the bottom 3. EVERYONE is shocked. Randy pleads for America to vote talent. Paula does the same. Simon is nice as he does give a compliment to Diana and Jasmine but he too is quite surprised. Ryan sends Latoya back to safety. Oh God, I think Fantasia is going. It’s that damn shot of her baby that’s going to get her kicked off. Ryan tells the two that this person went from a highest vote getter to the bottom (oh no, it’s Fantasia). The idolette leaving idolette manor tonight is……Jennifer! Fantasia hugs J and tells her “You are my American Idol”. In J-Hud’s parting video, we get to see all the atrocities of Jennifer, also known as her fashion sense. Jennifer sings us out with “Weekend In New England” except they cut her off in mid-verse since the show ran long. Bastards.
So, John Stephen Stepchild gets another week of life. I do like the TV Guide guy’s description of John. Perry Comatose. Nice. Perfect. Props to TV Guide! Poor Kid, I do feel sorry for him because he must know that everyone is bitching about him and he has the ire of the American people.
So, Latin night is Tuesday with La Gloria as the guest. I pray to a higher being that John Stevens does not do any Ricky Martin. Oh my. Until next week, She Bangs! Cha Cha Cha is OUT of here.
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