Hi Kids,
Well, it’s time for another episode of American Idol. Tonight’s theme is Country! Yee Haw. Get out your Wranglers and Daisy Dukes. This is my kind of show. Yes, kids, I’m coming out. I’m coming out as a big time Country Music fan! Cha Cha Cha does Country. Cowboy Up!
There’s scruffy Ryan looking mighty fine in nice slacks, a shirt and a coat, with a pink pocket square? Hello Halston. Helllllllo Judges. Paula looks great tonight. She’s wearing a tuxedo jacket and she got it goin’ on with the hair tonight. Nice. Simon veers slightly away from the tight t-shirt to a ribbed style t-shirt.
Bring on the bitches! And here they come. Blah, blah, blah, walk ,walk, walk, wave, wave, wave.
First up is Diana. We get to see early shots of baby Diana performing at 5 years old. This girl is an old pro. She’s the National Anthem princess. Sing Jon Benet, I mean, baby girl, sing. Diana’s going to sing Martina’s “Broken Wing.” She starts off sitting on stage. She looks nice tonight with her tattered seam denim skirt, white top underneath a jacket. Her hair is pulled back and she is wearing serious fu*k me pumps. I immediately think that Diana will do well because she has a southern accent when she speaks. She starts off a little shaky and I fear that this may not be her night. Then Diana finds her range and finishes strong. She holds the last note for….e…..v……er. Nice job. The girl can sing and she has a glossy personality. You can tell she’s done these interviews before. If she were a foot taller, she would be Miss Georgia talking about some children’s charity, how people don’t know the proper use the bredazzler or World Peace. The judges are impressed but Simon says Diana doesn’t have a connection with the audience. It must be that Miss American Idols pageant vibe that she’s giving off. Oh well, her vocals work for me, so I give Junior Miss Georgia Peach a Cha Cha + .
Commercial break. NOTE: After a brief holiday season experimentation with Fran Drescher, it seems that Old Navy has brought back Morgan Fairchild in their ads. This ad has cute twins and dancing. And Old Navy is featuring the Old Bitches in their latest add; Morgan Fairchild, Joan Collins and George Jefferson (Sherman Hemsley)!
Speaking of George, next up is George Huff. Damn I was wrong earlier….he didn’t change his name to Jolene and he’s not singing “Man! I Feel Like A Woman!” Damn, Damn, Damn. George is going to sing “I Can Love You Like That” by JMM. George looks great in a black shirt, black pants and a Brown Leather Jacket. George loses gay points by stating that the stylist picked out his wardrobe. He also loses points because he keeps saying mushtash. George has a raspy, deep voice and he always sings with conviction. Shaky at first, but now he’s doing better. Hey there, Georgie Girl rips the mic off the stand….but doesn’t move away from the stand. So he’s standing, with mic in hand, in front of the stand. This is totally distracting. Move to the right, George. Move in front of the stand! But I get over it. I do like George because he’s so nice and I think he’s the strongest male vocalist in the competition. Simon says George has a connection with the audience. Yes he does. Cha Cha+ for Georgina.
Fantasia. Look at that mouth. Wow. She can probably fit her fist in her mouth (STOP IT.) I bet guys will be lining up to date her..Oh Yeah. Uh huh, uh-huh. Fantasia looks very mature in her long black sequined dress. To everyone’s shock & awe, Fantasia’s going to sing “Always On My Mind.” Wow, this should be interesting. I do like that she’s picking something unexpected. Fantasia is very subdued tonight, which is a nice change. She sings the song with emotion and you can see it in her eyes. Her eyes are tearing up as she nears the end. I like that in a singer. Keep it real, feel the song. The song can be hokey but Fantasia puts her own spin to it and she has a certain something that the others do not have. I really like this girl. The judges like her. Simon likes her singing but says she looks old in the dress. This does not go over well with girlfriend. Uh-uh. Fantasia’s personality comes out & she sasses back at Simon. Go on, girl, don’t let Miss Bitch talk to you like that! I don’t think we’ve seen any contestant like Fantasia on AI since, maybe Juanita Barber (what about the cheeeeelren?) last season. But Fantasia can sing. I like it that she’s not this cookie cutter All American girl next door type (not that there’s anything bad about that) like most of the other girls. I like it that if you diss her, she’ll fu*k you up. Yeah, that’s right. Fu*k. You. Up. Fu*k all the others, Fantasia and her attitude definitely gets a Cha Cha Cha. This girl can be magical.
John Stevens. Johnny Cunnigham is wearing jeans, a button down shirt and a sport coat. Wow. Shocking. Jeans. Opie is going to sing Roger Miller’s “King Of The Road”. My first thought is, this is an easy song to sing. We used to sing it in that song in the fourth grade while strumming the ukulele. It’s a nice, safe, vanilla song. And sure enough, John sings the song nice, safe, and vanilla. John forgets the lyrics and for a brief second, you can tell because there is a slight deer in the headlights moment from John. But, he quickly pulls Frank Sinatra out of his ass and throws in a good ole shoo-be-dooby-do type lick to cover the forgotten lyrics. John does the walk to back of the stage while ”glancing back” choreography to end the song. There’s no stopping this Red Headed wild man! Maybe Kylie’s new song Red Headed Woman can be John’s theme song! Ok, maybe not. King of the Road? Nope, I don’t think so. This kid is a stick in the mud. He’s fine vocally, but he’s…just…so…bo……….ring. And the song was too safe. I just wished he picked a more challenging song and altered his appearance a little. While I didn’t despise this performance, I just thought it was ok. John gets a Cha Cha.
Camille. She sings “Desperado”. She’s sitting on a stool. Camille has the straight hair and it’s parted in the middle and she’s wearing huge Jody Watley-like Hoop earrings. She’s wearing jeans, a lime green crop top that exposes her belly button under a jacket.
And, that’s her performance. I didn’t even notice it because it was so uneventful. Her cloths spoke louder than her stage presence. Blah Blah Bah. Why does it always look like she’s got stage fright? She just looks so uncomfortable on stage it makes me fidgety. Vocally, she’s just not as strong as the others. Camille just doesn’t have the magic. I give her a Cha+.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaack! Cojacaru alert. COJACARU ALERT! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Run, hide the kids, keep that scary man away from me. AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! CLOSE-UP! Help! The CO-JA-CA-RU’s gonna get you! Mommy, I’m scared.
Next up, after the break, is Jennifer Hudson. Hmmmm, Jennifer does a K-Locke tonight & straightens out her hair. You know what? It looks good. She looks very sleek tonight. And here I thought she was going to wear her Coat Of Many Colors. Jennifer is going to sing Wynona’s “No One Else On Earth.” Nice. I like it that she’s going to take a chance by not singing a ballad. Jennifer is obviously trying to change her image. But there’s something off about her performance tonight. I really think being in the bottom two last week rattled Jennifer. Her confidence looks shaky. Not good. I think she needed an awesome performance in order to save herself. The judges are lukewarm. Simon rips her a new one and causes her hair to spring back into their natural curls when he tells her, flat out, that she is not going to win this competition because the others are better than her. Wow. Brutal. I thought she did ok, and at least she took a chance. Cha Cha for Jennifer.
Jon Peter Lewis. In his mini segment JPL states that he loves attention. You? Need Attention? Really? I would have never guessed. Color me surprised. JPL’s a self admitted goofball although he said he was serious/ intense growing up. Methinks middle child/short man syndrome. JPL is going to sing Kenny Rogers’ “She Believes In Me”. Maybe he should have sung Kenny’s “The Gambler” because IMHO this gamble did not pay off. JPL has a funny way of holding the microphone with two hands. It just looks strange. He has a weird voice that sometimes has a little too much carmenrasmooosen vibrato, but in a guy way. Sharp here, flat there. Not impressive at all. JPL looks very uncomfortable with the song selection and his stage presence is very wooden. I think he’s not a good ballad singer. I didn’t like this at all. Patooy Patooy, Bleh. Cha+
Jasmine. As expected, Jasmine is going to sing Faith Hill. I would have laughed if she sang Faith’s “Let’s Go To Vegas” because it seems like everybody in the State of Hawaii goes to Vegas for their vacation and that song would have been very appropriate! Instead, Jasmine sings tired old “Breathe”. I know this is going to be rough because this song is not easy to sing because your range has to be wide (ooh, that sounds so nasty). Jasmine’s voice in the lower register is a little shaky. She’s off key in certain places and overall, it’s not her best performance. But she does look fab-u-lous in that red dress. It makes her look more mature. I know she can do better but for tonight, I give her a much disappointed Cha Cha.
Matt Rogers. In a surprising move, Matt is going to sing Lonestar’s “Amazed”. Matt starts off sitting on the steps of the stage. He’s off-key. Yeah, this is going to be fun. I know this is an unexpected choice for Matt, but in this case, I think he chose the wrong ballad. He should have chosen a Toby Keith slow song or maybe Montgomery Gentry’s “Speed”. But he didn’t. And he sucked singing “Amazed.” There was something off with his performance and I agree with Simon. It’s like he was performing at some bloody awful children’s birthday party. This guy is too smug. Cha Cha-
Josh Gracin in the house! Mark your calendars. June 15th is the release of his album. Meanwhile his sing “I Want To Live” has debuted on the Country Charts. Good for him. It looks like soon to be ex-Marine Doughboy has lost some weight. He looks good.
LaToya is up next and chooses to sing Garth’s “Ain’t Goin’ Down ‘Til The Sun Comes Up.” WHAT? Wow. Now THIS is totally unexpected. Interesting choice and a huge risk. LaToya starts the song standing in the audience. She moves to the stage and honky tonks her way through the song. I’m guessing that her wedding singer performances have helped her. She’s vocally very strong and she is very comfortable moving around the stage. John Jon should take lessons. Very nice. Nice risk. I think it paid off. Cha Cha Cha-
Amy. She looks good in a shimmering pink top and jeans. Another jaw dropping moment when Ryan announces Amy is going to sing the Chicks’ Sin Wagon. Talk about Wow. Amy is full of energy tonight. And surprisingly, this song works really well with her personality and voice. It’s kind of the Disney version of Sin Wagon, but it works nonetheless. I’m glad she chose a song that wasn’t clichéd like most of the other performance. Very impressive. That’s what this competition needs, unexpected song choices. Cha Cha Cha for Amy mainly because 1) totally unexpected and out of the blue, and 2) it was a perfect fit.
Overall, this is how the Cha Cha’s stacked up:
1 Fantasia
2 Amy
3 La Toya
4 Diana
5 George
6 Jasmine
7 John
8 Jennifer
9 Matt
10 Camille
11 JPL
I would boot off Camille because she just looks uncomfortable on stage. JPL is good for a laugh but I don’t think tonight was his night…but he deserves to be around because I want Matthole to be the first guy booted.
I have no faith in the America vote and I think they will keep the guys around. America’s bottom three, unfortunately, will be: Camille, Jennifer and Amy with Jennifer going home tonight
Until next time, keep up the fight and remember, the next time someone asks you "How are you?" You answer "I want to dance do you like Cha Cha Cha?" Cha. Cha. Cha. is OUT of here!
Remember, K-Locke performs "8th World Wonder" tonight!
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