Group 2: 2/17/04
Hi Kids!
Welcome to another edition of the most popular show on television. Well, that’s according to Ryan, who’s wearing an untucked striped shirt with jeans and a pair of pumps that scream out I’m really g…just kidding. Ryan says he’s going to blow his own trumpet. I knew a guy in college who could blow his own trumpet. It was pretty impressive. Me, I just play with my bone. Of course, I haven’t played with my bone for years. But I bet I could still do it, play with my bone, that is, if I pulled it out. That’s why I’m a band geek, although not as big as a band geek as the girl "American Pie." "One Time, In Band Camp..."
There’s the Dawg, The Bitch, and there’s Paula. Hi judges. Be nice, play fair.
Ryan goes back to the red room. Tonight we feature the battle of the brothers. How the brothers got there, I will never know because they sucked in the prelims. Maybe they will be fabulous tonight. Yeah, and maybe A-Rod will decide to go back to being a Ranger. Matt Rogers is sitting next to Ryan. Matt is a very large human. He’s up first. And here we go. Wheeee.
Matt Rogers, 25 from Rancho Cucamonga. People see him as the dumb football player. Really? He played football? Wow. I would have never guessed. I wonder if he ever played in a major Bowl game that is played on New Year’s Day in Los Angeles? Matt says he’s a comedian. Ha, ha! that IS funny because I would have said he’s an arrogant prick, but that’s just coming from a former Oregon Duck’s opinion on a former Husky. (note to self: must.take.bitter.pills.) Matt says he wants people to start feeling him. Uh, no thanks, Matt. Matt mentions that he doesn’t know what the term metrosexual means, but if it means liking clothes than ok (or something like that). Uh, dude, I don’t think ANYONE, except those dudes and dudettes with mullets, would ever, EVER call you metrosexual. And as for taste in clothes...yeah, you know vut? Uh-uh. So Matt hits the stage. Matt sings “What You Won’t Do (For Love)” Cha Cha’s initial thought: “Hey Everyone, welcome to the American Idol Java Lounge, now featuring free Wi-Fi. How’s everyone doing tonight? Suuuper.” Yeah, he has an ok voice. He’s trying something different, but it’s just not working for me. Again, the voice is pretty good, but it’s just not there for me. Randy & Paula comment that they just didn’t feel it tonight. Simon said it was ok. Matt gets all pissy and stomps backstage. Ryan asks him a question. Matt says “Me No Like Simon. Me sing good.” Cha Cha Cha thought it was good…for a karaoke bar. That’s what he looked like on stage. Not American Idol material. Cha+
Briana Ramirez Rial, 23 from Klammath Falls, Oregon. This is the tough girl. She looks like she can kick ass. She looks lesbitarian. Don’t fu*k with this girl. She’s got tats on her arms probably some other unmentionable places. Awright, Cha Cha is interested! She’s got product in her hair! She likes wearing suspenders. It’s her security blanket. She sings Norah Jones “Don’t Know Why.” Yeah, that’s Cha Cha’s question. Don’t know why she chose this song. WTF? Totally not the right song for her. She’s this tough girl but with a sweet voice. Uh-uh. I don’t think so. Why am I starting to think this is Tuesday Night Karaoke at the American Idol lounge? First Matt, then Briana? Briana can sing, but again, no dazzle. Where’s the dazzle? Where’s the fireworks that we saw in the earlier rounds when we thought she was going to punch out some contestants mother! The judges all say they miss the spunky Briana they saw in the early rounds. She can sing, but like Matt, it was just “OK”. Cha+
Noel Roman, 22 from the Bronx. I pretty much know this guy will suck because I was not impressed with him in the previous rounds. And he doesn’t disappoint. He “sings” “This I Promise You” by N’Sync. Oh my. Where is Miss Justin when you need him? Why can’t Justin walk out on stage & pull down this guy’s pants? Oh the humanity. Snooze city. Yeah the only way I’m listening to you No El, is if you promise to me to never sing again in public, EVER! This guy is not even good enough to be on Tuesday Night Karaoke. Who let this guy on stage? He has no stage presence. Noel just stands there. Watching a dog poop is even more interesting than Noel. Simon, Paula & Randy are shell shocked. What the hell was that? Throughout Noel’s performance, I kept quoting that great American icon, Butt-Head by saying “This sucks more than anything that’s ever sucked before.” A cha cha cha first: No Cha’s for No El. None. Nada. Zippo.
Kara Master, 25 from Palo Alto. First impression, Sarah Jessica Parker. And lo & behold, Kara mentions that people tell her that she looks like SJP. The judges say she reminds them of Julia DeMato. To me, that would be an insult, but ok! Kara’s going to sing Anastacia’s “I’m Outta Love” Cha cha thinks it’s a wrong song choice because Anastacia is so unique and KAra is so...not. But we’ll see how Kara Jessica Parker does. Wow, it’s just like Anastacia! Without the voice! And without the look! And without Anastacia’s spark! Wow! Kara Jessica Parker sucks! What the hell is happening tonight! Why can’t I stop with the exclamation points! !!!!!! These “singers” are driving me out of my freakin’ cha cha cha mind, body, spirit & shoes! The Judges dismiss her. Go away, little girl. Go away, little girl. In the red room, Kara says she has a sinus infection. Oh good, here comes the excuses. SHUT THE HELL UP. You sucked, so deal. I bet if you played the tape of Kara singing backwards, it would say “You Suck.” Kara gets a Cha…and that’s being generous.
Lisa Leuschner, 21, Watsonville, CA. She’s a busty girl. She’s a big girl. She’s the girl from last season where Simon & Paula got into a tiff because Simon said she was fat. This year she called him on it and he told her well she didn’t lose weight. Lisa takes the stage. She looks great. All in black, wearing black boots. She’s got the hair working, nice make-up. She’s the best looking so far. And she sings well. She’s got stage presence. She’s singing “Sweet Thing”. I like it. So far she’s the best tonight, but that’s not saying much. Cha Cha+. The judges are relieved that someone finally brought something to the table! Lisa walks off the stage and you can’t help but notice her rack. Huge. But she’s the best so far which brings up Roman Part Deux.
Jesus Roman, 24 from the Bronx. Ryan tells us that it is pronounced Jesus, as in the man, and not Hay-soos. Yeah I can hear the Jesus jokes building. But I’m a saint and will hold my tounge. Hopefully, this guy does better than his bro. Jesus sings “Back to One” Jesus does not sing well. Like his brother, he has no stage presence whatsoever. He’s definitely not the savior of the show (sorry, had to throw that one in). B-O-R-I-N-G. Oh my Gawd, he’s boring. Totally butchering the song. I’m trying very hard not to make any religious jokes, but this is a disaster of biblical proportions. The judges hated it. Ok you know when a little earlier, I thought “This sucks more than anything that’s ever sucked before” about Noel? Well, I was wrong. THIS sucks more than anything that’s ever sucked before. But being Jesus, he knows that he did not sing well. So Jesus gets points for self admitted sucking. So Jesus gets another Cha Cha Cha first. A ½ Cha rating.
WHAT. The. FU*K. IS GOING ON TONIGHT? I hurl one my Cha Cha Cha’s at the television. Obviously, I won’t need the third Cha because at this rate, no one will even come close to a Cha Cha Cha. Nobody’s getting in my Cadillac and dancing with my Cha tonight. Commercial break. Thank God!
Well, since the show sucks, here’s a little background on Cha Cha Cha. If you’re wondering WTF with the Cha Cha Cha/Cadillac references, they’re from the 80’s cheeseball Euro Disco song “Cha Cha Cha” by Finzi Contini. The song was also recorded by Japanese idol artist Akemi Ishii & became a huge hit in Japan. For some reason this song is very catchy and I just loved the lines “Baby get in my Cadillac”, “Oh no, I want to dance my Cha Cha” and “I want to dance do you like Cha Cha Cha” lyrics.
Back! Oh no, more torture.
Next up is Camille Velasco, 18, the IHOP waitress from Haiku, Maui. Did someone say Haiku?
Hot Day on Maui
Serving pancakes really sucks
Must sing on Idol
Camille, “Go Go Geevum’ Maui girl!”, “Woo Hoo” , “Maui no ka oi!”, “Local Girl Make good!” Sorry, a little cha cha cha regression back to my Hawaii days. Camille sings “One Last Cry”. And who the hell turned on the cheesy dream maker image projector in the background? It’s damn annoying. I don’t really like the song. This is the girl who sang “Ready Or Not” in her Hawaii audition and the judges likened her to a young Lauryn Hill. This is nothing like Layurn Hill. Wrong song selection, Camille. My question is, do the contestants choose these crap songs or does the vocal coach choose the songs for them? Because if the coach is choosing the songs, someone needs to fire her ass because after tonight’s performances, because she isn’t doing’ her job. If last week’s contestants were the Lakers, this week’s contestants are the Clippers. Camille has a good voice. The judges like this girl because even though her performance was ok, they still praise her. They say she has the most potential of tonight’s contestants. If she doesn’t make it tonight, I think we will see her in the wildcard show. Plus, she’s beautiful and has a great personality and that sexy, raspy voice. I grudgingly give Miss Camille a Cha Cha.
Finally, and I really really really mean finally, we have Marisa Joy. It turns out that since she got passed on to the Top 32, she has decided to drop the “Sobecki-Engle” from her name & chose the last name of “Joy”. Will this be Happy Happy Joy Joy? Or Crappy Crappy Oy, Oy! Yeeesh. Marisa sings “Some Kind Of Wonderful” and it’s not. Really. It’s not. I’m pissed off by now. The girl does have some stage presence as she’s working the stage. BUT, she’s also got this weird stance on stage. What the??? She’s crouched down like she’s hovering over the toilet, but forgot to lay down the disposable protective tissue, so she has to squat over the bowl. Weird. Anyhoo, her voice is not that bad. I keep thinking oh yeah, this is going to be good, this is going to be good, she’s going to belt it, she’s going to make me pop…anytime now, anytime now…and…it’s over. Done. Nada. No bang. She was good, maybe good enough to move on, but not. Maybe. If the night wasn’t so crappy, she would have been toast. But since this was the night where hell froze over, Marisa Crappy Crappy Oy Oy has a shot in moving on. NOw that's scary, Mary.
Well, that's it. Whew. The end didn't come soon enough. A crap filled night of bad, horrible singing, bad horrible fashion and just a bad horrible evening overall . And I mean, HOR-RI-BLE. The worst group of eight, ever. Oh, and as a parting shot, former Husky Matt threatens to make Simon bleed. Nice, very nice. He’s such an Idiot.
So to recap.
1. Lisa Leuschner: Cha Cha+
2. Does it matter?
The Cha Cha Cha picks to move on: Lisa & Camille
America’s Choice: Lisa & either Matt (even though he’s an arrogant ass), Camille or Marisa
So that’s it. I’m spent. I’m pissed that I wasted an hour of my time. Next week had damn well better be worth the wait. So until next time, keep you feet on the ground and keep reaching for the box of Q-tips because it’s going to take the entire box to clean out all the suckiness and crap that filled my ears tonight! Cha Cha Cha is outta here.
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