Group 1 - 2/10/04
Hi Kids,
Yes, it’s me. I’m back. All refreshed with ears cleansed for another bitch filled season of AI3. Where people become so passionate about a singer that it makes one go Gaga! After what seemed like an eternity of bad singing, bad auditions, bad attitude and pure extended greed on the part of the AI producers, American Idol has reached the semi-finals. Bring on the contestants. Sharpen those claws. Christina, bring me the ax!
Let’s do it.
Tonight is Group 1 of 4. 5 girls, 3 boys...make that 6 girls because Ryan Seacrest is also there! Just kidding, Ryan! Yeah, here I go firing right out of the gate. Ryan looks good. Nice hair, nice blouse, but according to my other half, his collar is WAY too big. But he looks good. Ryan does his best William Hung “She Bangs! She Bangs!” imitation, complete with choreography. William Hung. So far,he's the first breakout star we have seen on AI3. Even Ellen was imitating him on her show. I love the remixes of his audition that you can find on the web. I’m not giving you the web address because you can google it on your own. Cha Cha ain’t got the time to let his fingers do the walkin’ for you.
The three stooges, of course, are there. Paula, Simon & Randy. I'm not going to mention Randy's weight because I’m over it. Paula’s hair is lighter, and multi colored. I’d say it’s Clairol Hydrience Dirty Sand permanent color #2 on the bottom and Clairol Hydrience Misty Rose Lee 69 on top. Looks like we have a new set! A live audience (although some of them may have wished they were dead after they hear some of the idolettes) & a live band! What, Live Band? The karaoke machine must have broken. For a second, I think I’m watching Fame! Except there’s no Harlemm Lee or Shannon Bex or horrid rapper Justin Jacoby and his Scary Mary of a Mutha in the audience. No, this is American Idol.
Ryan takes us back to the red room where all the contestants are sitting. New design in the red room! Hmmm, I wonder what company is sponsoring this event and designed this room. Geez, red room, white strips that looks awfully like the design on a can of a certain Cola. Could it be Safeway Select Cola? President’s Choice? Shasta?????
First up is 16 year old Diana DeGarmo from Georgia although she auditioned in Hawaii. You would have thought she would have tried out in Atlanta, but no, she trek’s way way way out west to audition in Hawaii (meaning she was probably cut in Atlanta, SFO and LA and Hawaii was her last chance) She was pink hat girl in Hawaii. Miss Cutesy Wootsey with the Shirley Temple choreography. Everyone Sing (with dance hands)! On the good ship Lollypop! She says black & pink is her thing. She sings “I’ve Got The Music In Me”. Tonight she’s wearing a pink Leather jacket, skirt and knee high black pleather (hey, she’s not a star yet. Until she does it’s pleather) boots. Pinky Tusdegarmo has a powerful voice for a 16year old. Not bad at all. I actually enjoy her performance. Quite unexpected as cha cha was expecting her to fall on her pink tushy. She moves around on stage and has a good stage presence. The judges like her. Simon says she reminds him of Christina Aguilera when Xtina was…nice. Randy says she’s from Hawaii, but we all know she only auditioned in Hawaii and she’s actually from Georgia. Cute girl. Cha Cha +. What a way to start the show! This could be great! This could be Awwwwsome (I’m trying to channel that chick that was on Queer Eye that was dating that hot mariner guy). This could be… Marque Lynche’s turn.
Marque. The cute boy. He’s 23 from NYC and a dancer but he’s not going to dance because this is a singing competition. He’s with the vocal coach and they are trying to un-broadway him. Well, biotch, you better teach her how to walk because she look like she late for an audition with Mark Morris! Oh, the venom. Calm down. He’s cute. He’s cute. Mr. Lynche is showing off his ASSets in those pants that he is wearing. There is a very quick booty shot as he walks out onto the stage. That nice, dancer’s butt! Cha Cha Cha! Oh wait, he hasn’t sung a note yet. Marque sings “Wind Beneath My Wings”. He has a strong vibrato when he sings. Sharp here, vibratooooo there. And it’s over. And I’m over. If he just stood there and smiled, and did a little dance, make a little love & got down tonight, he would have received a standing Cha Cha Cha. Unfortunately, he had to go & sing. Damn him! Cha +. But he does have a great attitude as he does a head whip turn & sashays off the stage into the Safeway Select red room.
Ashley Thomas, a 23 year old from Irvine. In the prelims, Simon says she doesn’t have spark. I agree because frankly, I’m having a very difficult time remembering this girls’ name, face, voice. Even where she’s from! Irvine. Bleh. Just say you’re form LA.
Ashley sings “Crazy” and I agree she crazy to sing this song. Ashley is another contestant who wears pink paired with some kind of skirt and tied together with a metallic looking belt. It looks like she raided the set of that 80’s show “Square Pegs” which starred a very young Mrs. Matthew Broderick, SJP!
So Ashley works the stage. She’s got the crowd cheering for her. Look at her work the arena. I can see know why Randy calls her Dawg. She’s such a champion. Then I realize that Ashley was so b-o-r-i-n-g that I had switched the channel to the Westminster Dog Show. And there’s your new American Idol! BTW, congrats to the Newfie that won Best In Show, although my Cha Cha heels were rooting for the Pembroke Welsh Corgi. And how the hell did that poodle get into the finals? All dolled up looking like a cheap bitch. Where was I? Oh yeah, Ashley Thomas from Irvine. Yuck. Simon said it best. It sounded like she was singing at a rodeo. Perfect. Cha Cha Cha for Simon. Cha for Ashley. Next!
Hi! My name is Katie Webber! I’m like 23 years old from Santa Cruz California. Isn’t my dress cute? OK, this girl has got All American White girl look going on. Cute. Bubbly. Britney like, only Britney like before she started to look like a tramp. Katie is going to sing “Orange Colored Sky” to get away from a Pop image. Wrong move. She is pop. The song is a little too old for her look. She can sing, but makes too many scrunchy faces and nose twitches. And then there’s that nose. Pretty girl, but that honker is kind of distracting. Nice stage presence. Then it hits me. Like OMG! She looks like Debbie Gibson, oh, excuse me, Deborah Gibson! Shake Your Love, I just Can’t Shake Your Love! She’s done. Mom & Sis have the same hair only in different colors. Hey, it’s time for the Webbers go to the Beauty Parlor! The new reality series coming this fall from FOX! She’s good, but I don’t know if it was the faces, the song selection or what, but something was missing. She could be a great candidate for Miss Santa Cruz and then a candidate for Miss California in the Miss America pageant. World Peace. Maybe after the judges gave Katie their comments, Katie should have said “And did I mention that I entered this competition so I could promote World Peace?” I give Miss Santa Cruz a Cha Cha because she could sing.
Erskine Walcott is up next. He’s 22 from Vegas, baby, Vegas. He works behind the scenes although you know he’s back there checking out all the showgirls! I don’t think he wants to be a showgirl, No, that was Marque Lynch (oh behave!). Erskine is the man with many looks. We’ve seen him in the prelims and each time, he has a different look. Cha Cha thinks that tonight’s look is really conservative, and I wish that he didn’t look so blasé. Erskine sings “Open Arms”. Not bad, but I don’t think it was a good choice for Erskine. Men are not looking as strong as the women. Hey, he’s got what I call jack-o-lantern teeth. They are tiny, like they are still his baby teeth. Randy finally makes a comment on how he used to be in… this time, it’s Journey. Well it took him a whole 5 singers to finally name drop! Going in, I thought he would be a very strong contender, but I liked him much better in the prelims. Song selection is the key! Cha Cha.
Jennifer Hudson, whom I have already dubbed the GWBV of AI3. The Girl With Big Voice. She’s also the former Disney cruise ship performer. Oh oh. I wouldn’t say that out loud. Oh wait! She already did. This girl is emotional. Ryan says that she always cries when Marque sings. Now it’s her time. She’s dressed all in white with white boots. This is a much better look than the Abba Waterloo outfit she wore in the final preliminary round. Jennifer sings “Imagine”. She definitely has a presence about her. You cannot NOT look at her. Her voice is powerful & full. I like her. Emotional, sings with passion, sassay & she can sing. That’s all good to Cha Cha. So I give her a Cha Cha+
Matt Metzger, 23 years old from Cincinnati. He could be the next Gary Sandy if they remake WKRP in Cincinnati. First off, he’s very handsome. Schwing. He also has a nice body. Schwing Scwhing. Nice hair. Matt is the heartthrob of the competition. He sings “Walking In Memphis”. Nice stage presence but I think it’s because he looks good. His vocals are not up to par with the women….well maybe he’s better than Miss Rodeo Princess. It’s a good performance, but I don’t think it’s enough. If he makes it to the finals, it will be because of his looks and not his singing. I remember him from the preliminary round and I wasn’t impressed with him there, either. Cha +
The last contestant is Fantasia Barrrino. The self proclaimed “Girl with the big lips”. She’s 19 from North Carolina. This girl caught my eye in the early rounds. There’s something about her that, like Jennifer Hudson, you cannot NOT notice her. Her voice, as much as she hate it, sounds a little like Macy Gray. The girl has spunk, has attitude and she can Sing. She sings Bonnie Raitt’s “Something To Talk About” and totally adds a little Fantasia flair. This is the clear Cha Cha Cha winner of the evening. The judges love her. Simon said that all the contestants in Group 1 needed this competition to get a recording contract she didn’t. She’s a star. Are Simon’s comments the Kiss of Death for Miss Fantasia? Cha Cha Cha.
Overall, this was a very strong group. I think it was the strongest group of 8 ever. Only two are guaranteed to move on, but I think we will see a couple of the rejects again in the wildcard show.
Honorary Cha Cha Cha: William “She Bangs! She Bangs!” Hung
Cha Cha Cha: Fantasia
Cha Cha + : Diana & Jennifer
Cha Cha: Katie, Erskine
Cha+: Marque, Matt
Cha: Ashley
Not even worth putting on socks: None this week!
Which two moves on to the Finals? Who goes home with Shattered Dreams, Shattered Dreams and most importantly, why does Johnny Hate Jazz?
The Cha Cha Cha top 2 would be Fantasia and Jennifer.. but it’s really really really close between Jennifer & Diana. Either one and I would be happy. Matt has a good shot of moving on because he is a hot male and the girls may vote for him. Katie, the same reason, but the boys may vote for her.
In the meantime, be good, play fair & Go Colby! Whoops, wrong show.
Until next time, Cha.Cha.Cha. is out of here!
Comments