That Mariner Duck Guy!

2007 King of the Hardwood

My 2007 King of the Hardwood competition has begun. The competition is being held at Outsports.

2007 KOTH Brackets

Go here to vote:

Outsports

AI - The Top 12! akaOh Really? You could have fooled me.

Hi Kids,

Oh goody, we have arrived. It’s the idol Big Stage! This is the Big Dance for these 12 finalists. Will there be a George Mason this year? What 12 seed will topple a 5 seed? Can Cinderfella Sanjaya continue his conquest to the AI crown or will he bitchslap Haley for the coveted tiara?

Speaking of bitchslap, the queen of the bitchslap is the guest pro-fess-i-o-nal tonight. Yes, kiddies, La Ross is in the house. Well, she’s not actually in the AI house this evening, but she is on the show as the guest judge. The 12 idolettes wait patiently in the studio for the arrival of La Ross. The door opens and in walks the Diva! All fresh from bitching out her driver, maid, yard boy, the doorman, the AI interns, the cameraman, the make-up artist and Ryan. And does she look fabulous or what! The Hair! The bod! The latest technology in facial enhancement! Thank You Dr. 90210! And thank you MAC! The idolettes lose their freakin’ minds except for Best Buy. Because, you know, he’s too cool for school and he is, after all, a Senior Best Buy Associate. God Rocks, Dude.

Miss Ross says “I have one thing to say” and I anticipate the words “You Better Work, Bitch!” or “Go get me a diet soda” to flow out of her mouth. And you know, if I closed my eyes, I would have never thought it was Miss Ross. Her voice seems to have dropped an octave in her old age. It will be interesting to see if her voice is lower when she sings on results night. I bet it’s 50/50 odds that she lip syncs.

Brandon is up first. “You Can’t Hurry Love”. He loved her as a kid. Miss Ross said she recorded this in her early days with The Supremes with that bitch & the ugly one. Miss Ross tells Brandon to got o his center and his heart place. I would have pissed right then and there if Brandon pulled a Jim Verraros and signed I {heart} you Miss Ross, I {heart} you. So Bland Brandon sings and does a little dance thingy. And then proceeds to forget the words to the freakin’ song. Nice. So then he smiles and recovers in enough time to complete the song. I thought this was Diana Ross night not Phil Collins night. Brandon is a triple threat. Boring, Bland and Blasé.

Melinda. “Home” from “The Wiz”. Miss Doolittle is looking very professional in her gray satin dress cinched at the waist and kick ass pumps. Ryan & Simon do their obligatory gay banter. So over it. Doolittle acts all shy & coy around Miss Ross. Miss Ross says she likes Doolittle. “She not pretty so I like her” is what the Divine ones says. No, not really. But I wish. Boring song, but the girl can sang. Not much more to say about that.
Cha Cha Cha.

Best Buy Sligh. He’s going to rearrange “Endless Love”. I thought Miss Ross was going to bitchslap the fat f*ck. But no, she allows him to “sing” his special (ed) arrangement of the song. Too bad Lion El didn’t make a cameo appearance. Sligh gives the song a “Clocks” reworking. So, he rips off Coldplay’s “Clocks”, applies it to “Endless Love” and calls it his own? Bitch, please. Coldplay should clean Sligh’s clocks out. Although, I doubt it because have you seen Coldplay? Chris could take ‘um with one hand tied around his back, and holding a sonic burger in the other. Best Buy isn’t wearing his glasses tonight which makes him look scarier than normal. The rectangular glasses actually gave him some shape to his face as opposed to now he looks like a squishy round mound of goo. You know, the guy can sing, but I hate this version. It’s too fake hip. It’s like Coldplay meets Reno. Not Vegas. Reno. Paula, of all people nails it. Best Buy is trying too hard to be an Apple Mac. In reality, he is just Windows PC.
Chris tries to make a funny, but fails.

Gina. “Love Child”. Miss Ross tells Gina to pro.nun.ci.ate. What. The. Fuc*k? pronunciate? Gina looks at Miss Ross with a blank stare and says “Thee thells thee thells by the theethore”. Miss Ross, without even flinching, slaps Gina and shouts “Love Child this Biotch!” Oh, how I wish. So Gina takes the stage, looking even more like Ryan Starr 2.0 from season 1 which is not a good thing. Gina obviously ignores Miss Ross’ advice because I can’t understand a damn word she is singing. Maybe it’s because she has that stud in her tongue! Gina is average. In some parts she’s good and other parts she’s awful.

Sanjaya. OK. Who let this guy off the Goodship Lollipop? Diana loves Sanjaya. She asks if he can dance. Oh gawd. Please. NO HULA. I’m praying that he sings the Michael Jackson penned “Muscles” because I would just die if he does. Please, please please! But Suckjaya picks “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. Damn you. I want Muscles! But how fitting. You got that right, sista. Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me away from your sorry ass singing! UGH. He is possibly the worst idol contestant evah. So that means he must stick around for at least a couple of weeks to piss people off.
Oh my. Sucky does a Michael Jackson yell like thing at the end of the song. I swear, if he rips open his shirt like MJ did in the “Dirty Diana” video, I’m blowing chunks. The Judges fry him like the stylist fried his hair. Randy said if this was Hair Idol, he would win hands down. Ryan asked if he deserves to be here next week and Sanjaya says yes. So be it. Make it so.

Haley. Still looks like Rachel Ray’s younger sister. Ok. Haley. Don’t speak. Shhh. Don’t open the mouth sweetie, because the voice annoys. She sings “Missing You”. She’s singing the song to her finance. Her goal this week is to enjoy the song. Huh? I never thought about a song about “Missing You” is a party song & a song to to be enjoyed. But then, maybe she is enjoying being away from her fiancé. She is just a horrible wretched singer. Ok now she is doing this bouncy bounce up & down & waving hands thing that makes her look retarded. Ooops. Not pc. I mean, mentally challenged. Ok she’s done. Thank Goodness. Simon must be doing reverse psychofuc*k on America because instead of ripping her another one, he is nice to her. Shrewd Simon, Shrewd. Now America, dump her.

Phil “Powder” Stacey. So effin fugly. Miss Ross tells Powder to look at the audience when he sings. Hell no! I don’t want a sorry ass powder looking at me when he sings. You gonna scare the chillrun, Powder. Children will wake up screaming “Mommy! Mommy! Powder is coming to git me!!!” And I wonder if you take a pencil sharpener to his head, would it make that point even pointier? He sings something …I honestly can’t remember. It’s pretty good compared to the other guys. But he does shout when he hits the glory notes. This performance was much better than last week’s performance but that’s not saying much, eh?

LaKisha. Her mama calls her Kiki. Ok, class, let’s get this straight. Kiki = LaKisha. Koko = Trained Gorilla. Keiko = Trained Whale. Try not to get these mixed up ‘mmmkay? Kiki is going to sing “God Bless The Child”. Like Melinda, not much to say here because it is awesome. I think I like her better this week than previous weeks because she is in more control of her voice and showing more versatility with her instrument. Uh. Yeah, not touching that one. She’s good and back up there neck & no neck with Melinda.

Blake. In A Suit. “You Keep Me Hanging’ On”. He’s updated the arrangement. Diana is excited to see how he brings the past to the present. Blake’s interpretation is interesting. He is showing off his dancing skills. At least he’s bringing something different to the idol stage. Ick. The falsetto was horrible right there. Overall, it wasn’t his best performance. But it is crystal clear that as of now, Pete & Repeat, no, make that Neck & No neck are by far, #1 & #2.

Stephanie. “Love Hangover”. Well, at least she always looks good. Now, I must admit by this I am totally disinterested in the show. It is a curious song to pick because it’s sort of like picking Donna Summer’s “Love To Love You Baby”. I really don’t hear her sing. All I know is that she never goes into the disco part. Stephanie is pretty, but sometimes she sounds shrill and over sings songs. Judging by the judges comments, it was the wrong song choice.

Chris R. “The Boss”. Who’s the boss, who’s the boss…Diana Ross! And after that craptacular suckfest of singing, it certainly is not Chris R. What the hell is wrong with Paula? That sucked. Although, I do agree with La Dopey that Chris R. can probably sing “Instant Replay” or maybe even that discotaculicious David Naughton ditty “Makin’ It”. Bonus points if Chris R. mashes David Naughton’s nakedness in “An American Werewolf in London” while singing the song. Otherwise, this guy’s voice is horrible. It’s so nasally and he can’t really hold a note. He thinks he can. I mean, do we really need another K-Fed? I think not. Poof. Be gone already.

Jordin. Sings “If We Hold On Together” aka. The sappy Theme From “The Land of the Lost”. Is she singing it to Chukka? The Sleestacks? What? It’s not? Oh excuse me, it’s “The Land Before Time”. No matter, both shows had dinosaurs in them. Overall, this was good, I guess. She’s got an engaging personality, but I just don’t find her as the happy shiny star sitting atop the American Idol Tree. She is more like one of the disposable presents that sit under the tree. Ha ha! And if you think about the show, Lakisha was wearing the tree skirt tonight! Kiki! Kiki! Put back the skirt!!! KIKI!!!

Anyhoo, overall, it was a crappy show considering Miss Ross was the guest coach. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all if, after viewing the show, La Ross called her people and “informed” them to tell the AI producers that she is cancelling her appearance in the results show because of “personal reasons” and maybe they can call Mary Wilson or Florence Ballard because she is sure they are free. Diva!

Cha Cha Cha : Melinda, LaKisha

Cha Cha – Jordin

1.5 Cha Cha’s – Powder, Beat Box, Gina, Best Buy

1 Cha Cha –Haley, Chris R. Stephanie, Brandon

Thank you for playing Cha Cha: Sanjaya

That’s it for this week. Tonight we find out who goes home…and I’m pretty sure it won’t be Sanjaya so that means a possible “shocking” boot! Be good, play fair, and stretch your muscle(s). I am OUT of here.

Nashville Star 5

So, last Thursday, Angela Hacker beat her brother Zac Hacker to win Nashville Star 5.  Angela & Zac were my top 2 from the get go so there was no real surprise.  This season's contestants was nowhere near the calliber of the Season 4 finalist.  I did buy a couple of Angela & Zac's songs on itunes. 

Maybe if the solo thing doesn't work out, the record company will turn them into a duo.  That hasn't happened yet on N-Star or idol.

Angela Hacker

AmIdol - 10 Girls

      

Hi Kids, It’s Wednesday night and you know what time it is. Yep, rotate the underwear day! Woo Hoo! Double your wardrobe, double your fun. Ryan introduces the ladies. He & the judges say that the guys threw it down last night. Now, I don’t know what show they were watching because I threw up last night. Shameless pimp alert! Shameless pimp alert! Ok, this report is going to go fast. It snowed today. Traffic was horrible. And I am in a cranky mood. So here is the spit fire Cha Cha Cha report. It’s dedication night part deux. Frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass who they dedicate the performance to, so I’ll just declare that they are all dedicating their performance to Rinko Kikuchi. Why? Because I just like saying the name Rinko. Try it. See? It’s a noun, pro-noun and verb all at the same time. Gina: “Alone”. Scarlet Red Dress. Gina starts off nice & slow. Kicks it in, but when she does she is not in tune. And, I agree with Simon. The dress doesn’t match the performance. Alaina. “Not Ready To Make Nice”. Hmm my theme song. Intereting that she just lost the votes of the Red states. This is not good. Looks like Alaina is not ready to sing nice either. Lakisha. “Midnight Train To Georgia”. She looks like a cheap hooker tonight. Her skirt is too short & the shoes are wrong. But the hooker can sang. Not as good as last week, but a solid performance. Melinda. “My Funny Valentine” She looks fabulous in a dark suit. Smokey, jazzy and cool. This is a nice arrangement. Take Ernestine Anderson, mix in some Abbey Lincoln and shake it up with some Dame Shirley Bassey. This was Excellent. Best performance this season. Antoiletta.  Celine.  “Because You Love Me”.  ‘nuff said.  Tramp got enough publicity this week so I’m not giving her anymore.  Jordin. “Reflections”. She looks good. She has a powerful voice. Jordin is a little off pitch in places, but overall it was good. The song is clichéd but she sang it well. Stephanie. “Dangerously in Love”. She is gor-ge-ous. Beautiful dress. Like Jordin, she has some pitch problems, but it was a good performance. Stephanie is better than almost all the guys and girls. Leslie. “Feelin’ Good”. Who is she? Did she perform last week? Oh,right, this is Holly Hunter. It doesn’t help that she picked a song that someone performed the night before. Well that’s a first. Who would have thought that an AI contestant would sing a song in Baby talk. Usually, they act like babies not sing like one. Yeah, that was scat all right. A big stinkin’ pile of scat. And you duped it right on stage. Thanks a lot, no name. Go Rinko yourself. Haley. “Queen of the Night”. Who put Rachel Ray on tv? I don’t remember her last week. Was this Disney girl? I won’t remember her after that performance either. The background singers were far superior to Belle. And biotch, I am the Queen of the Night.   Sabrina. “All the Man that I Need”. What a schnozz! Sabrina is borderline shouting, but it was pretty good. I think I liked her better last week. But she should advance. Overall, the women are still better than the men although I would be hard pressed to choose the 12 best. Cha Cha Cha Melinda Rinko Kikuchi Two Cha Cha’s Lakisha Stephanie Sabrina Jordin Worth an extra Cha Cha Gina Do I have to give them a Cha Cha? Leslie Haley Alaina Antoiletta I wish those 4 would go home but I’ll go with Alaina & Leslie. Antoiletta should go, but she will get the VFTW votes so I’m expecting her to advance

Am Idol - 10 Boys

Hi Kids,

      

Week 2 and we have 10 AI duds dudes remaining.  Will they suck again?  Were they motivated by the Sistas’ performances last week?  Will they rise to the occasion?  Will Apollo & Helo rub themselves down in oil & frack?  Oooh, Apollo & Helo shirtless, Yum.  That’s Hawt.  Oh wait, we’re talking American Idol not Battlestar Galactica idol. Sorry, I was just watching a Galactica rerun and had impure thoughts running in my head.  Back to Idol. 

      

Yes, it’s week 2.  Methinks another craptacular week is in store for us because frankly, I don’t see many of the guys improving.  Yeah, right, like you think Sanjaya Malakar will be YOUR new American Idol. Ha ha, motherfu*ker, Ha. Ha. Shut up and go get me a slurpee.  And say “hi” to your sister for me.

      

The theme for tonight is “People who inspire me”.  It’s a dedication show.  Now this may have potential because I would love to see AJ dedicate his performance to Miss Joan Crawford and then break out Pat Benatar’s “Hell is for Children”.  That would totally rock.

I think that would make me shat.

      

So first up, is, I still hate his name, Phil Stacey.  Still creepy looking.  I believe he said he’s dedicating his song to his military comrades.  He’s singing “Missing You”.  Saving Private Stacey sings pretty well.  We don’t have to shoot him this week.  He’s got one of the better voices among the men…but that’s not really saying much is it?   I don’t find him particularly special and I don’t feel he has the “it” factor.  (sh)it factor, maybe. It factor? No.  Regardless, it’s a good way to start off the show.

      

Oh look. Jeff Foxworthy is in da house!  Shameless plug for that “So you think you are smarter than a bratty 5^th grader” show.  The previews look pretty funny, but how long will that last? Call me when they invite Michael Jackson on the show.  Now that would be entertaining.  “Hello Children, How are you? I may not be smarter than you but I just want you all to know that you are all special.  SO Special. Shum On.   Would you all like to go to Disneyland with me after the show?  I have candy.  Come along, Children!  Come along (not you, girls) & follow me!  You can even play with my children….the girl, the boy & that other one! Eee heee!”  Break.

      

Jared Cotter.  Just Jared. He’s wearing a dark suit with white kicks.  Going for that “I’m young & hip” look. He’s very easy on the eye, no?  Although he has very bushy eyebrows.  He’s dedicating his song to mom & dad.  “Let’s Get It On”.   Vocally, he’s just average.  Just Jared is trying to work the stage but it’s coming off extremely horny corny. He does this thing with his hands and wipes his face. Wait.  Check that last statement.  That didn’t come out right.  He’ll get by on his looks.  Well, if Antonella can do it why not Mr. Cot-ter?  And speaking of the tramp, wouldn’t it have been a kick in the privates if, while Jared was singing the line “Let’s get it on…” the AI editors flashed Marie An-tone-deaf-a’s “photos” on the jumbotron?  That would have been freakin’ awesome.  Back to Just Jared.  Hotty McHotness gets a cha cha cha for his looks, but only a cha cha for the voice.

      

AJ Tabaldo. Tabasco?  Too Baddaddyo? You sucko?  Whatever.  AJ (I thought we got over this xxJ thing in season one?).  “Feelin’ Good”.  I am not feelin’ good about A-bcdefghiJ winning idol. He’s no AJ, EJay, RJ and that’s not saying much.  I don’t think the kid has it. Maybe he could join O-Town if they are still around?  Speaking of O-town, doesn’t it just give you inner glee that Jabba the Pearlman’s house got raided because he was scamming clients & funneling the money into his own account (or something like that)?  Maybe Big Daddy will form a new boy band in jail!  I keep thinking of that producer guy in “Boogie Nights” when he was being slapped around and crying in jail by that ginormous inmate.   Who?  Oh, AJ. Yeah, he has an ok voice. Cute. I find him pleasant, but nothing special.

      

Sanjaya. His hair is pulled back and he’s wearing a hat ala Michael Jackson. Uh, did your sister “advise” you to wear this outfit as well? Immediately, you can practically hear the audience say “Ooooh. Yeah. You know vut? Uh-uh!”  Rebbie (well, if he’s going to dress like, MJ, I’m just giving him one of the Jackson sibling’s names...but not Janet or LaToilet) is dedicating the performance to his Grandpa.  He’s going to sing “Steppin’ Out (With my baby)”.  Blanket?  He’s stepping out with Blanket?  What the hell?  Egads. Oooh. Yuckity Yuck Yuck.  This is awful.  What the fu*k is this?  Is Rebbie actually singing?  Well,  I guess one could logically argue that the real Rebbie’s modest hit single “Centipede” really wasn’t singing either.  Speaking of non-singing performances: Abdul? Paging Abdul, Paula!   Rebbie is literally light in the loafers and floating around stage because his voice sounds so fluffy & airy and almost whisper-like.  It’s so….how would you describe it…breathy?  Like when Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday Mr. Pres.i.dent” or Ginger Grant sang “I Want to Be Loved by You” in one of those damn variety shows that she performed on the “GI”.  This is bad.  And not in a Michael Jackson “Shum-on” Bad.  Rebbie should be the next to go. 

      

Best Buy Sligh.  Oh look, Best Buy is wearing a suit.  Maybe he has an interview with the show? Circuit City perhaps?  Frye’s?  or maybe (gasp)  The Apple Store?  One can only dream.  So we find out that Best Buy is married.  And not only married, but married to a hot chick.  WTF?  Just goes to show that love is blind. And I have to admit this is snarky, but as they were showing the Best Buy’s clip of him & his wife, I kept looking for her Seeing Eye dog or her walking cane because I just couldn’t get over the two of them together.  Did they meet in Jeebus Camp and immediately knew they were BFF’s? Anyhoo, Bet Buy sings “Saved by a Woman(?)” by someone I don’t know.  The dude’s got a really good voice.  Not easy on the eye and I kept waiting to be grossed out by camel toe, but the dude can sing.  And he was even better this week because he toned down the attitude and was actually really polite and humble.  Maybe he will get that Apple gig if this Idol thing doesn't work out.

      

Nick Pedro.  Dedicating “Fever” to his girlfriend.  “First of all, I’d like to thank all of you for attending my best friend Rob & his new bride Ashleighy’s wedding.  This was my present to the happy couple because they are truly like family to me.  May they have a long & happy marriage. Now,  anybody want to join me at Stubby’s for some Bee-yah’s?” Total wedding singer moment for me.  The way he dressed, the way he sang.  Ugh.  Pedro must be Spanish for “zzzzzzzzzz”.  Oh look, Nicky & Ryan match.  They coordinated their outfits tonight.  I don’t think Nicky had the worst performance, but he’s not the idol.   

      

Blake.  Dedicating his song to his parents.  “Virtual Insanity” Jamiroquai.  Blake mixing it up a little this week.  Throwing in some beat box, scatting, and falsetto.  This is pretty good.  His vocals are not the best, but he is the most entertaining and “original” of all the contestants.  Well done.  Simon didn’t’ really like it, but the other two bozo’s did.  Beat Box is one of the stronger male contestants this year…but not vocally up to the caliber of the “Sistas of Perpetual Indulgence”.

      

Background Singer Brandon. BSB is dedicating the song to his Grandma.  “Time After Time”.  He’s wearing a t-shirt & jeans.  Dude, you could have at least thrown on a coat.  Why not just borrow that bullseye shirt from the “Free (Fall) Ride” guy from last week.  I hate this arrangement.   Brandon says he put his heart out there & into that song for his grandma.  Well dude, you must not love your grandma much because there wasn’t much heart in that performance.  I DON’T {heart} you. 

      

Chris Richardson.  Another dedication to a grandma.  What, nobody loves their mommas anymore?  “Geek in the Pink”  WTF?  To his grandma?  Uh…ok.  He reminds me a little of Andrew from Desperate Housewives.  If only he had the personality of mean Andrew.  The guy is ok, but I don’t really dig the performance.  “Geek in the Pink”  I see the Geek.  I don’t see the Pink, but I do see something that stinks.   Inexplicably, the judges love him.  I think they are just so damn bored that they will say anything to hype the show.

      

Sundance. Dedicating it to his son Levi.  Damn.  With all the combinations of fun he could have had with  (insert rude, inappropriate word) Head. He picks Levi.  Sundance is going to sing “Mustang Sally”.  He’s back to wearing an open shirt with the gold chain.  Lovely.  I must say that Sundance is ten times better than last week’s dismal performance.  But how could he not be better? Wait. Check that last statement. See Malakar, Rebbie.   At least Sundance doesn’t get to be called Suckass tonight.  But he still doesn’t impress me.  In fact, during his entire performance, I was hoping, praying in fact, that I did not see (1) Lake Superior sized Pit Stains and (2) that his shirt would not rise high enough to expose Sundance Belly, or even worse, Sundance deep forest Treasure Trail.  I would have thrown up right then and there if that had happened.  Ick.

      

Overall, it was a...night. While marginally better than last week, the guys still suck and I don’t know how they are going to compete with the Sistas of Perpetual Indulgence.

      

If I had to dance the Cha Cha Cha tonight:

      

My first dance would go to…

      

Blake.  Not the best vocally, but at least he mixes things up (wardrobe & song selection) and is interesting.

      

Next would be:

      

Best Buy (Crosses finger & secretly wishes Apple Store {squeal}) Sligh:  The guy can sing and he was modest tonight.  He would be the type of guy you dance with and start singing no matter what song came on and then relate a story from his personal life to that song.  So Best Buy.

      

My third rose would go to:

      

Phil Fester.  Phil has a nice voice but lacks mega wattage.  Maybe he’ll be like Magni from Rockstar?  But Magni had stage presence. And I’m stuck at a stupid dance with Phil Stacey.  Kill me now.

      

My back-up dancing partners would be:

      

Chris Richardson: It was ok.  I would like to see him and not think he’s trying to be Justina Timberlake.  I would put him in a Princess Leia outfit, dog collar & chain and have him stand by my side while I danced.

      

Sundance: Improved.  But IF I danced with him, and it would be a big IF, I would dance like we did in high school with two hands on his waist.

      

Nick,  AJ & Jared. Group dance.  All four of us together. After all, Fourgy’s are fun and it’s empty calories so you can have as many of them as you want.

      

And then you have the  wallflowers:

      

Brandon:  Sorry Effie, this time I am telling you, you ARE going.

      

Sanjaya “the forgotten” Malaguena-Jackson.  Rebbie takes her Centipede and goes back to Seattle.

      

Those are the men.  Can’t we just pick 3 or 4 of them & send the rest home?  Oh well, come Tuesday, we will be down to 8 men.  Scary thing is, 6 of these hacks are guaranteed to make the finals. Egads.

      

Ok, y’all,  Have a good day. It’s time for me to polish my Cha Cha’s and get ready for the ladies tonight…and I have to get ready for fourgy {Slurp}.  I am OUT of here.

AmIdol - 12 Girls

Hi Kids,

 

Last night it was the men, tonight it’s the women. Let’s pray that tonight is worth the wait. 

 

I just watched “The Prestige” so I am writing this as I watch the DVR replay and I’m tired. So this may be interesting. Who knows what I am going to say. So here we go.

Intro. Ryan. Judges. Last night. The girls. Blah Blah Blah Let’s go already!!!

 

First up is Stephanie Edwards. “How Come You Don’t Call Me” . First off, this is a beautiful girl. She’s only 19. Love the dress.  She knows how to work the stage and the audience. Love it. Look at Miss thing dropping down to her knees for effect. She’s gorgeous and she sang the song with conviction. Looks like we are off to an awesome start unlike last night’s “Free (fall) Ride”. 

 

Amy Krebs. “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. Oh gawd. What a plain Jane girl. Her face looks like a feminine version of Napolean Dynamite. “Yessssssssss”. Hey may, want some tots? I can honestly say that even as she is singing, I don’t remember her. Not good. Next.

 

Leslie Hunt. “You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman” Well, I totally doubt it. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Holly Hunter! I don’t know what to make of that performance. I wanted to like it, but I just couldn’t muster up enough energy to care. I don’t think she should leave, but she needs to do better next week, damnit because the Cha Cha says so!  And I don’t even like her.

 

Sabrina Sloan.”Ain’t Never Loved A Man” Poodle hair, Poodle hair. She kind of looks like a black Gloria Estefan n those interviews. Come On shake your body baby, do the Conga! Well lookee at her. Miss Sabrina Sloan sings loud. She can hit the high notes and she made an excellent choice by not going with a slow song. When Simon said she was the best so far, they showed Stephanie in the red room and she had that “sh*t the biotch sang better than me” look on her face. Love it. She was borderline screechy, but I enjoyed the performance.

 

Antonella Barba: “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”. Ack! Major Suckage alert! Major suckage alert!. Ok the end was decent, but the rest was horrible. She’s horrible. What can I do better? You can go home. That would make the show a hell of a lot better! 

But if it’s any consolation, if that was her dad in the audience, then Antonella wins the hot daddy award.

 

 Oh, and this week’s Paulaese translation:

 “You’re an amazingly beautiful girl” = You sucked, biotch.

 

Jordin Sparks. “Give Me One Reason”. I like Jordin. I can’t believe she’s only 17. She sang that song well. A little pitchy in places, but not bad. Not as good stage presence as Sabrina or Stephanie, but she held her own. She’s safe and I look forward to next week’s performance. Nothing snarky here, folks, keep on moving.

 

Nicole Tranquillo: “Stay” What the fu*k was that little spazz move at the beginning of the song? White girl can’t dance. Who let Lindsey Cardinale back into the competition. And who the fu*k is that white dude in the audience that can’t clap to the beat? Oy. She’s screaming out the high notes. She’s all over the place on the song. It just didn’t work for me. It wasn’t jelling. And Paula, just because you can hit a high note doesn’t mean you are hitting the correct high notes. Plus, she kind of looked trashy. 

 

Haley Scarnato: “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now”. Why, why, WHY do these contestants pick these awful sappy songs? WHY! Enough with Celine. Just stop. OMG, I just had a flashback to the Little Mermaid stage show at

Disneyland

. “Part of this world..:” Wait a minute. Wait one minute. Why isn’t Ariel wearing her costume? Why is her hair brown? And where the hell is Pluto? I think I need a shot of insulin because that was too damn sugary sweet for my taste. What she saying? She says she’s going to stay who she is? Puh-lease, if that’s the case, then you might as well drop out now, go back to San Antone and continue to “live my life fully through God.” So over you. Next!

 

Melinda Doolittle. “Since You’ve Been Gone”. She used to be a background singer. Girl has no neck. Big face. Big voice. Not the prettiest, but wow, she can sang. La Doolittle is really workin’ it tonight. Love it.  Plus she’s got a great personality and a beautiful smile and a powerful voice.  Man, the white chicks should be worried. Melinda is fabulous even with the elongated face and no neck. You go, no neck, you go, girl!

 

Alaina Aleaxnder: “Brass in Pocket”. The Pretenders? WTF? Not a song to show off your vocals, but…ok. We shall see. Ok, what the hell is this crap? Who let this girl on stage. It’s a joke, right? She really didn’t make it right? RIGHT? Ugh. I hope she’s gone.

 

Gina Glocksen: “All By Myself”. She said she forgot her words last year in the ollywood rounds. Gina has a rocker chick kind of speaking voice. Looks like she’s going to be the girl with the different color hair every week this year. Why it’s Idol alum Vanessa Olivares/Nikki McKibben/Amy Adams  meets former idol slut Ryan “Meet Me behind the bleachers” Starr meets P!nk. And then she sings….”All By Myself”? HUH? No deal, Howie, no deal. The beginning of the song is horrible. Cheesy, lightweight and not credible at all. I hope it gets better. Ok, it’s only slightly better. And the high note…ugh. My ears are bleeding. Ok Gina, shut it. Shut it now. Oh, the last run was good. But that was it. She has potential, but I just didn’t like the song selection. Did Randy just call her a big girl? I think he did. Oh no he di’in’t! It was ok for me. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it either. I think she’s safe and I am curious to see what she will sing in future weeks. 

 

LaKisha Jones: “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”. I have to say that the girl has got balls for singing this song tonight. Wow, she has the big voice to pull it off. She looks good. Not the best looking contestant, but the girl looks good tonight. Ooh girl, look at LaKisha work the stage. She’s tearin’ it up now!  More power. Max power, LaKisha, max power! Um, I think her Max power was not fully charged because she could have held that last note a little longer for a more dramatic effect. Although I enjoyed Ms Jones, I didn’t really care for the ending of the song, but the girl has got chops! {Must. Resist. Meat. Fat jokes}. My concern is, is she a one trick pony? Will she pull a Mandisa on us by going all religious on us? We shall find out in the upcoming weeks. I hope she can tone it down to show a different side of her singing. But tonight? Awesome.

 

So, the girls kicked the guys ass in week one. Solidly kicked their collective asses. And the black chicks solidly kicked the asses of the white chicks. And everyone kicked the ass of Gabriella Solis…no, what’s her name? Antonella.

 

Cha Cha Cha of the night….Melinda Doolitlle. I really enjoyed her performance

 

CHA CHA CHA:

 

Melinda

LaKisha

Stephanie

Jordin

Sabrina

 

HUGE DROP

 

2 Cha Cha’s

Gina

Leslie

 

1.5 Cha cha’s

Amy

Nicole

Haylie

 

1.0 Cha Cha

Alaina

 

Thank You For Playing:

Antonella

 

So we say goodbye to two boys and two girls tomorrow. Not soon enough in my opinion.  How about if we get rid of 4 guys & 4 girls? Let’s go in the express line! Then again, why miss out on the free suckage net week? Never mind!

 
Until next time, I am OUT of here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am Idol 6 - 12 boys

Hi Kids,

And so it begins.  Another crap fabulous season of that icon known as American Idol aka the “Oh gawd, please don’t give us another Taylor ” season.  That means a chick will win.  Ok, here is a not so inspired Cha Cha Cha report.  Maybe tonight’s show will inspire me.

I need inspiration!  I need salvation! I need a Savior! The Donger needs food! Now I must tell you that the Cha-meister has not been watching any of the audition shows except for the Seattle show, so I am going into this show blind. Not that there is any advantage to going in blind but I must admit that after hearing some of these dudes sing, I may be envious of the hearing impaired.  So the 12 guys are up tonight, followed by the ladies tomorrow night.  Bring it.  Oh, and this is the short & sweet because there are 12 guys. Why waste my time writing about all 12 when they are going to be forgotten by tomorrow. 

There’s Ryan.  All snappy in a vest & jeans.  Judges. Yawn. Yadda yadda.

Rudy Cardenas.  Originally from VeneZuELaH.  “Free Ride”.  Boy, you need to settle down.  He’s all over the freakin’ place. And he has a girly high pitched voice. Calm the fu*k down.  And what the f*ck are you singing?  I couldn’t understand half of the lyrics.  He was slurring half of his words. Can you imagine him cussing someone out  in Spanish with that voice?  It would be like an angry, rabid Chihuahua. Curse the bitch out!  I found it to be an enegetic, hyper but average performance.  And the show’s not off to a good start.  Oh, and wearing a target on your shirt is not the best choice of wardrobe.

Brandon Rogers.  The back-up singer.  “Rock With You”.  Started off pretty good and then the beat kicked in.  And Brandon showed why he is a background singer.  He doesn’t have star quality.  Another average performance.

Sundance Head.  Ok, ick.  I read about this guy but actually seeing him?  Ick. The pu&&y facial hair, the gold chain, the unbuttoned shirt, ick ick ick.  He sings “Nights In White Satin”.  WTF?  This is terrible, Muriel.  At least he’s covered up,  too bad he didn’t tape his mouth shut.  Not easy on the eye, not easy on the ear, and judging from his appearance, he’s probably not easy on the nose either.  Yep, this guy is the triple threat.  “Nights in White Satin”?  More like “Night of Fat Satan”.  It hurts, it really does.  I’m calling it now. Suckass Head and his night of fat satan needs to go home on Thursday.

Paul Kim.  “Careless Whisper”.  Yeah, even if you whisper, I won’t care because that sucked.  And Dude, put on some shoes. You know, not wearing shoes is not a style.   You ain’t stompin’ no freakin’ cabbage to make Kim Chee so PUT ON THE SHOES.  And while you are at it, WALK OUT THE DOOR.  NOW!!!  Wow, that sucked. And that “Falsetto” sucked even more.  Even Ace Young, the suckass falsetto king of last year, was screaming, “Dude that sucked”. Paul Kim has a bland personality and a bland name. Shameless Korean joke alert!  What do Kim Chee, Paul Kim and his feet have in common?  They both stank! And sweetie, can we dress for the occasion the next time?   Oh wait, there won’t be a next time.  Never mind.

Did y’all actually watch the audition rounds?  And this is the best that they had?  Egads.

Chris Richardson.  Why does this guy dress like Justin Timberlake?  Oh ok, people tell him he reminds them of JT.   If you don’t want to be compared to La Timberlake, then you need to stop dressing like her!  Chris is singing “I Don’t Want To Be (Justin Timberlake)” My, he’s bouncy isn’t he?  Nasally, isn’t he?  Dad has no rhythm does he?  That was decent. He’s entertaining, easy on the eye, he didn’t get my Sexy Back, but he was much better than I expected. But so far, that’s not saying much. I was expecting JT meets K-Fed from Chris.  Let’s see what he brings next week.  Elliott he’s not, but  Bo Bice, IMHO, was the only one who rocked this song in Season 4 .

Nick Pedro.  “Now & Forever”. Who?  What? I don’t think you’ll see any of the Vote for Pedro shirts after that performance.  Boring, vanilla song. Although Nick did have the deer in headlights look nailed down.  Kid’s got horrible posture as he sings.  There was an awful shot of him with drooping shoulders.  I felt like yelling out “Stand up straight, bitch!”  He said he was nervous.  It showed.  Grow a pair of buck-wheats next time.  Oh look, someone is actually shorter than Ryan! 

Blake Lewis.  “Somewhere Only We Know”.  This is the beat box guy, right? OK, it would be so easy to trash the guy based on his look in audition, but he’s turning out to be pretty  Cool.    And he’s from Seattle!  Ok major points for doing a fresh, contemporary song.  Keane!   And I didn’t know Mike Boogie from BB and Travis from SYTYCD had a love child!  I like this performance. FINALLY!  Fresh, sounded good, different, he’s easy on the eye and he did something other than the beat box, so he is in the lead so far.  Cha Cha Cha.  Although I need to deduct ½ Cha Cha for resembling Mike Boogie. 

Sanjaya Malakar.  “Knocks Me Off My Feet”.  Another kid from Seattle.  Wow.  The hair and the smile.  This is what you get when you cross Farrah Fawcett Majors (at the time), Donny or Marie (take your pick) Osmond and Michael Jackson.  Farrah Fawcett Malakar.  He says that his discarded in Hollywood sister LaToilet (What was his sister’s name?) picked the song.  Uh, hello?  She got eliminated from the show, should you really be taking Rebbie’s advice?  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. “I don’t mean to bore you?”  Really?  How very. Because you are, bitch, you are!  The kid potentially has a beautiful voice, but man, that was a wretched song choice.  I hope she doesn’t get eliminated, but methinks she’s in the Danger Will Robinson, Danger zone. And it’s too bad.  He seems like a very nice kid. But he gives off a Wacko Jacko vibe (but not in that creepy play will little kids kind of way).  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.  I don’t feel he’s the AmIdol, but if he can survive this week, he has the potential to make the Top 6 males.  And LaToilet will be happy.

Chris Sligh.  The pre-made over Jack Osborne guy. “Typical”.  Nice song selection.  Again, props for picking something fresh & different.  I liked his performance. He brings energy and charisma to the show.  I think he will flop if he won this competition because he’s borderline novelty act, but it was a good performance.  Let’s hope he can keep it up throught the season.  Too bad he’s not easy on they eye. And dude, what’s with the attitude?  It was mildly humorous when he made the Hoff crying comment and the “Do I Make You Proud” dig,  but the IlDivo & Teletubby comment fell flat.  It was like he had it in his mind that if we received anything critical from El Simon, he was going to rattle off his snarky comment.  Well, Wilbur, I don’t think it worked and it just made the whole situation uncomfortable. Cut to commercial.  This guy could become annoying.

Jared Cotter. “Back to One”.  Hotty McHotness.  Woof.  He sings?  Apparently the looks have a one up on the voice.  Brian Mc Freakin’ Knight?  Are you loack of originality kidding me? Yawn.  Can we get any more original?  Maybe Mister Cot-ter needs to call Ms. Janice Dickinson.  I think she’s looking for some “talent”.  Although, I would not have an issue with Hotness advancing to next week. As for this week, my cha cha’s would have been on Fi-yah if Hotty McHotness would have slowly unbuttoned his shirt as he sang the “counting” part of the song and ended the song Tyrese style.  Now that’s the ONLY way “Back to One” would have been interesting. But no, McHotness was modest and kept his shirt on so he is only average in these bitchy brown Cha Cha horn eyes.   Memo to Hotness.  SEX SELLS.

A.J. Tabaldo. “Never Too Much”.  What the frack is up with singers singing Luther or Stevie Wonder songs year after year after year after year?  ENOUGH ALREADY.  Frack!  So, A.J. the little Pinoy boy, is moving & grooving around the stage.  He’s a happy little boy isn’t he? Not bad as a singer, but the song did nothing for him.  He reminds me of RJ Helton.  In his pre-Idol life, was he a “Christian singer”?  If so. Gay! At least mom & dad were happy.  And if this AI gig doesn’t’ work out? He can join Jasmine Trias and Camille Velasco in the grand premiere of the Manilla version of “Dreamgirls”.  

 

Phil Stacey.  “I Could Not Ask For More”.  Military guy and the worst name of any idol contestant this year.  It’s a totally not memorable name. Hi my name is Phil Stacy and I lost 300 pounds using the bowflex.  So this is what Uncle Fester would look like if he went on a diet.  Trimspa baby!  The guy has a slight resemblance to Chris Daughtry guy but only because he’s bald.  And no, I’m not doing any shaved Britney comparisons. Pick your shaved area. And nope, I’m not doing it.    And is it me or does this guy look a hell of a lot better with a hat?  His eyes are scary.  What a horrible start.  I thought this was another suck ass performance, but dude really kicked it in at the beginning of the chorus.   He has a good voice.  It will be interesting to see how well he does with song selection, but overall, it was not bad.  I loved it when Simon called Ryan “sweetheart”.  Ryan got his panties in a wad. Ryan should just bend over and take it from Simon. Just fu*k and get it over with.  Ryan annoys.  Oh, I read on another board that bland name Stacey reminded them of Andrae from Project Runway.   Where’s Tim Gunn when you need him?  “Andrae, you sang very well tonight. Why don’t we go to the Red Lobster to celebrate?”

So THAT was the 12?  THAT’s what’s getting all the ratings?  Totally unimpressive.  After week 1, I see none of these guys winning idol.  I really hope the chicks are better.

Ugh.  What a waste of two hours. 

If I had to rank the boyz, it would be as follows.

2.75 Cha cha’s-  Blake Lewis (minus points for resembling Mike Boogie but bonus points for resembling Travis from SYTYCD).

2.5 Cha Cha:

Chris “Tinky Winky” Sligh

Phil “Where’s Andrae” Stacey

2.0 Cha Cha

Take your pick:  Rudy,  Brandon, Hotty McHotness, Chris Richardson,  AJ

1.5 Cha Cha

Paul “get your stanky feet off my stage” Kim

Nick “Who”?

Farrah Fawcett Makalar

1.0 Cha

Suckass Head. 

And tonight it’s the ladies.    God Help us All.

Be good, play fair, I still have no motivation to continue watching this show and I am (thankfully) OUT of here!

on the go - chicago

back in Seattle. One more leg to go. My Bellingham flight leaves in 20 minutes.

on the road

I am now sitting at my gate. I'm really early, but my feet hurt and I am tired. I can't wait to get on the plane and sleep. Overall, it was a fun trip and Dierks is worth the travel. Where to next?